here and now

There other day I sidestepped over the “highs and lows” and the truth is the highs have been HIGH and the lows have been LOW. Does that make sense? The shift is so apparent I feel like I need time acclimatize…physically and mentally. This weekend has proven it even more so. I woke up practically giddy on Saturday. I found that fairy tale balance of productive and relaxing. It was 9:30 and my to do list was wiped out and I was high on life at this point. I decided to reward myself with a Target run. Uh.ma.gersh. I love Target. I spent forever in the $1 section up front and took my time wandering the store like a true shopaholic. I managed to get so many holiday goodies and not go over budget; the smile was glued to my face. I went home, got comfy, lit candles, baked like a mad woman and just focused on me and it was the best day I’ve had in a really long time. Crazy how a weather shift, clearance items, and an organized day can do that to a person.

Then today struck. I had one of those mornings of utter frustration. Why wasn’t anything working out? I announced that I would not be broken and made my way to work to try and get a few projects completed. Then my husband stopped by the office…it was weird because he should be at working and I only come in on Mondays sporadically. He told me that he needs to go back to St. Louis for the next 3-4 weeks to work and needs to leave this weekend. So then I’ll be here in Colorado for almost a month alone. The truth: It’s doable but tough.

Random thoughts about this… Why? It’s not fair? I don’t want to be alone. I would love to go to St. Louis. So incredibly thankful he has an opportunity to go. It’s too long. Everything will be fine. and just for fun throw “why” in there a few dozen times.

Not a great post but that’s my heart right now and I would love it if you keep my in your thoughts while I’m trying to get my head around things. 

test...test...

I’d love to be back “in” the blogging world but Blogger and I are having some issues, creative differences maybe? I’ve had such a desire to write and digress but the fact that I can only use half the editing tools and my last post only partially posted and was riddled with errors has kept me at bay. I’m currently thinking I should just start a new blog and consider it problem solved.

So, I’m here. Life has been as is…good days, bad days; highs and lows. Sometimes I’m strong and focused others I’m defeated and overwhelmed. Hoping to get the technical kinks worked out and get back in it.

Not sure what to say really, I feel like I have a lot to say but not of it seems terribly important and “worthy” of an individual post. I’ve been feeling intensely inspired by things lately, where I’m frantically scanning the room for my phone to type or even record my thoughts. There’s so much rising up and spilling over the top and I wish I had some crazy Matrix-style-USB-cord attached to me that I could just hurry over and hook up to my computer to release everything while not losing a single thought or feeling. Since that hasn’t been invented yet or the government is just keeping it under wraps for now here we go. (Oh and if it hasn’t been invented yet, dibs!) Warning…this will be choppy, probably bullet points because that seems to reflect my current state.


• I went to Einstein’s Bagels for lunch childishly elated that’d they finally opened and literally spent 15minutes staring at the menu contemplating all the stupendous concoctions I could create only to get a Pumpernickel bagel with Plain cream cheese. Foolishness.

• I met the “mom of my dreams” yesterday. This woman is what I would love to be one day, naturally beautiful and unusually compassionate. She herded in 2 small girls and another beauty on her hip to wait in the office during her husband’s surgery and was immediately in awe of her grace and natural maternal flow.

• The oldest daughter of the aforementioned super moms was June she was 4yrs old going on 80 and she stole my heart. While mom was in the bathroom with Jolie and Gwendolyn, June hung out in the waiting area and proceeded to tell me everything her little head had absorbed. At one point she let out a sneeze and upon my God bless you she said just like the old soul she was, “Oh thank you, I’ve been under the weather and haven’t’ felt like myself for four days.

• By request (Meg and Ash): Books I’m reading or just finished…

1. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak…Slow start but I loved the way it was written. I’m a sucker for different perspectives of actually events and it painted a vivid picture.

2. Bossy Pants by Tina Fey…Why did it take me so long to get around to it? People have said it and I disregarded the claims but have since converted and I.am.a.believer. Tina Fey you my lady are a freakin’ genius.

3. Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James…Sorry, I can’t say anymore because I blush just referencing it.

4. House Rules by Jodie Picoult…What can I say, this woman knows how to write. She’s yet to let me down and even though I never find the relevance in my personal life I love curling up with one of her stories.

5. Let’s Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson aka The Bloggess… This woman kills me but in the best possible way. Then minute I feel cynical or psychotic she takes it to the next level. Because when I say things like this I get crossed eyed stares and references to my medications. Almost like a female Larry David.

6. Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro…Brilliance and originality very hard to come by, the book broke my heart loved every page.

7. Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher… This book is not for everyone. Provocative and haunting, it’s a quick read but research before you jump in and it makes you deal with dark subject matter.

8. Divergent by Veronica Roth… Honestly I only read ac chapter as I plan on finishing Bloom this weekend but it seems right up “our” alley and I think it’ll be a very good series.

-let love explode-

I read this a lot, I’ve been meaning/trying to blog etc…and really I feel the same. It’s been on my mind and I’ve actually logged in almost daily but have yet to put something together. These last few weeks my life has been overtaken by well, life. Work, sickness, disorganization, unexpected circumstances do what they do and it creates a disruption and sometimes, in my case, it creates a cloud of uncertainty. I’m all for introspection, its kinda my M.O. but sometimes I get caught in the current and it’s all consuming. The only focus is “Me, Myself, and I”. In those times I want to write, almost like a release but I’m afraid it’ll be too much. Too selfish. Too depressing. Too revealing. I feel guilty just thinking about it, but it happens and sometimes I allow it to, while other s I didn’t even notice it set in until I was far gone in its midst. Today I woke of feeling “lighter”. For those of you that have ever had days with things out of focus there really are no words when it finds you again.

What’s really incredible is that I can manage to overlook my incredible circumstances time and time again. You know what? I woke up this morning. I was able to get out of bed and ready unassisted. I had food options for nourishment and preference this morning, of course preference won. I went outside and got into my reliable, comfortable car and drove to a job that frankly I’m pretty good at, happen to enjoy and it even pays the bills. Now all the other stuff that was obscuring my perspective has faded into the fog and good riddance.

This song has been on my heart and I happened to hear it while driving this morning (see playlist below) and it brought on so much intense emotion. The kind of feeling you get deep within without effort or permission. Music is my thing. I love so many aspects about it especially the connection it brings. To all of you dealing with the human condition today, I pray you get that glimpse of light and a moment to catch your breath and recklessly love.

procrastination AKA a case of the Mondays

So I just tried to write a serious, uber personal blog post and let’s just say I bombed that one. It’s hard to talk about something that affects almost everyone but in different capacities. I felt overly explanatory, apologetic, and defensive and a rash of other things that just put me off. I’m going to make a second attempt later this week because for me it’s important. Now I’m just shifting gears to what making me smile right now.

This shaggy bob that is oh-so-tempting-but-not-for-me-right-now.
Oh and by the way I really, really love all things Dianna Arrogon.

I love a good book, especially when I find myself re-reading an old favorite, Moloka'i.
Last night I was contemplating writing Rob Marshall to direct the movie version a la Memoirs of a Geisha.

My Vintage Haven sweatshirt. I’ve been living in this thing. It is like the softest, coziest thing ever and may just land me in an episode of What Not To Wear.

OPI’s Funny Bunny, which just so happens to look tres chic on my stubby, sq-oval nails.

Hello Wal-Mart candles and where have you been all my life? I too was caught in the Bath and Bodyworks hub-bub but for real that’s a lot to spend on a candle. Plus I use them almost every day and they go quick. Insert these lovelies, they smell so edible and have all my favorite scents and the best part is they are about $3. Say what? True story. Below Hazelnut Cream…mmmmyum.

when you let them go

As I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, I have some pretty incredible friends. No amount of time or distance will shake the love and support we have for one another. Sure I got lucky but I also earned these relationships through understanding, vulnerability, accountability and sincerity. Now for a topic not really address, the frenemy. Basically it’s an enemy disguised as a friend.

I don’t think I could go as far to say we’ve all experienced them but for myself I’ve had two. I’m almost embarrassed to say it in a way, I mean I’m only in my late twenties and I’ve already managed to be duped twice. Does it say something about me personally? Here I was thinking I’ve got discernment in surrounding myself with genuine people, uh, maybe not so much.

The first one was brought on my pure naivety, and a bit of insecurity. I had what was meant to be a mentor/friendship to instruct me on how to be the person I want to be. Unfortunately, it derailed quit early and turned out to be more of a dictatorship on who she wanted me to be. I started to grow as an individual and find my own course in happiness but as it turns out in this relationship it wasn’t allowed. It should have been more obvious because I’d seen the resentment in her from other friends living their lives independently just like I was attempting too. I blame myself for letting it go on as long as it did. In the end I realized I had to walk away and there was no looking back. It hurt. I worried what it would mean. What would people think? What would they say? In the end, I lost a few other relationships because of it but the truth is why would I want someone so unsupportive to be a part of anything that has meaning in my life?

Ah, the second one. The operative word is desperation. I had just moved out of state and was actively searching for a connection. I’m sure she could smell me from a mile away. It was a new role for me, being co-dependent. I’d found a friend that was so simpatico with all the things I appreciate, clothes, films, music, food etc… Looking back it’s too bad this didn’t work because she “got it”. However what she didn’t get was what it meant to be a good friend. I was giving and she was getting. There was never reciprocity, her problems were discussed and advised but then there wasn’t any time left for me. She’d bailed, borrowed, lied and now I have nothing left to show for that time other than some missing CD’s.

The thing is that I know what I want, I know what I need. The friends I have I plan to keep. The more I invest and cultivate those relations the more fruit they will bear. I need them and I’d like to think they need me. If I meet people along the way then that will be a bonus, but I’m not worried because the people I already have are the ones others only wished they could have.

The difference a day makes…

Excuse me; is there still room to jump on the New Year train? Last year…well it wasn’t what I expected and it’s easy to dismiss but when I really capture those past experiences I think it was a success. Even in all the messes I still see bits of beautiful. I’m learning how to step away from those moments to find clarity for opportunities that aren’t visible in the haze. I’m happy. Did everything I planned work out? No. But that’s okay. New mornings. New mercies. New years.

Something I notice was how materialist I get towards the end of the year. Needing something to show for my time and efforts spent, seeing everyone else’s blessing and having a want overshadow real needs. And then without attempt the flash of a new year has created a minimalist out of me. Unload, declutter, become fresh and clean…it’s foremost in my mind.

Resolutions and goals have been set but only with my understanding that it really is a process of one day at a time. I will no longer let another year escape me by focusing too far in the future. Little, unobvious, unappreciated instances and pleasures have won my attention and I’m learning to celebrate regularly.

2011 meant…
easing just a little more comfortably into who I am; without apologies
discovering truths and receiving closures I’d given up on
family is something I never knew I always wanted
less leggings and more jeans help me manage my weight
confidence is contagious
mornings are my favorite part of the day
action really is required for change
the cold side of the pillow is delightful
treating myself sometimes is necessary and doesn’t require guilt

yellow diamonds in the light

As the Shepherd says, “Love is beautiful, but it is also terrible–terrible in its determination to allow nothing unblemished or unworthy to remain in the beloved” (179).

Sometimes without even knowing it sadness creeps in. It’s such a cozy blanket, almost comforting but the truth is that it’s debilitating. Once it’s wrapped around it becomes an extension of everything you are. Often it’s hard to realize how low you are feeling until a little spark of joy comes along. That moment of pure bliss is able to illuminate how overshadowed everything else has overtaken by unhappiness. I kind of grew up on C.S. Lewis, where would I be without him and his ability to state such obvious truths about life and remind me that I’ll have these moments from time to time. Though it’s tough to choose one of my favorite quotations of his is, “God loves us too much to leave us as we are.”

One my favorite books is Hind’s Feet on High Places, allow me to squeeze a shout out to my LCHS girls! I find myself going back to this book a lot and I decided to re-read it yet again. Honestly, I’m considering devoting a month of blogging to it because it’s just that powerful. I won’t get too into a synopsis now but the main character is Much Afraid who is on a journey to the High Places by The Shepherd and the companions he gives her are Suffering and Sorrow. Right now this speaks to me, I know that seems a bit much but what am I if not melodramatic?

Not to worry there’s still joy…there’s always joy. From the smallest and often over looked gestures to the gratefulness of my very existence. Here are a few things lately that bring an unforced smile and brighten my days.

peppermint tea, my Clarisonic, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers,

new festive pajama pants, We Found Love by Rihanna, tan towels,

glittery polishes and most of all unyielding hope

...and many more...

As if a rapidly approaching birthday wasn’t enough, I hurt myself getting into the car today. Ouch! I guess stuff like that happens when you get older. I don’t want to be negative when it comes to birthdays and growth and change for that matter but I can’t seem to shake the little gray cloud atop my head. I try reciting all the things I’m thankful for and believe me there’s a lot but I still feel hazy.

Within the last few years, for some reason birthdays and new years have been a little harder to swallow. They are definitely time for reflection and goals however how do you keep the “improvements and goals” from overshadowing the celebration? The pressures, mostly my own, are ever present. Things that I thought would happen or know by now haven’t and as I’m learning to deal with that being another year older manages to put an expiration date on things. It’s silly really because another year is a blessing and if anything signifies more time, and as easy as that concept is to explain it’s hard to believe.

As relative as words like age, time, and the numbers that identify them go I still have my own personal opinions on them and it’s starting to get scarily close to what I worry is too late. One promising growth is that I’m finally getting better at recognizing what I want and allowing myself to ask for these things. And the truth is I’m going big, this year I have many hopes for new firsts, long desired accomplishments, overwhelming fulfillments, progresses I never knew about and many more wishes to be granted.

it’s a complicated rythm of checks and balances

One for me, one for you. Two for me, two for you. All day, every day. As much as I dislike this trait I am a Scorekeeper. Effortlessly tallying up tip for tap, blow for blow. I personally find myself obnoxious in painstaking acknowledgment of these events. I can feel the hash marks burning onto the chalkboard housed in my memory. Whether it is in relation to good deeds or bad, money, favors, objects, I find myself in a constant state of mathematics, adding and subtracting.

I am aware how irrational and destructive this type of behavior is but still I calculate. I’m not assuming it’s all based on control issues and maybe I’m just more competitive than I thought. The passive part of me knows that it’s simple an act of respect, if something belongs to someone or is owed to them I waste no time it balancing the scales…hey I am of course a Libra.

Growing up with a single mom it was imperative to keep score. A very busy, working mom and three outrageous children left especially little additional time to meet physical and emotional needs. Calling dibs and shouting redundant reminders was the only way to ensure that people would “remember” whose turn it was to enjoy whatever the desire in question was. See, who needs a therapist to announce my psychosomatic inclinations.

This dirty laundry is embarrassing and until it’s under control it could sabotage any relationship I posses or hope to, whether it be personal, professional or a random encounter. I’m praying that this oppression is healed because as much as I try to fix me I know that my flesh can only do so much. For any of you that find yourself in a similar situation I’ve found loads of instructive and encouraging scriptures.

I Thess 5:13 James 1:20 I Corn 13:5 I Peter 4:8

Col 3:15 Phil 2:3-4 Psalms 37:7-8

Reason is also choice.

Drifting around in the perpetual state of not knowing exactly what I want but reminded that I am in want of something. For regarding myself as such a professional, organized individual its weird how certain things in life manage to allude me. Would life be easier if I just knew? Would it be better? Let’s start small; simple if you will, topic of choice shall be food because my life revolves around what I eat and what I don’t eat for that matter. I can be very exact at times, I will know exactly what I want, where I want it from and when; along with a smattering of painfully precise demands while other times have a vague inclination of hunger without any direction other than absolute disgust of certain considerations. I’m finding life to be that sporadic. It’s unnerving that it can be so extreme. Sure the spicy ethnic it new and adventurous but beyond that moment or experience everything else might fail in comparison and be bland and frankly unappetizing.

I have never considered myself a fickle person but there are times when I just don’t know…back to food. I have set out two meat options, the age old question beef or chicken? I for the life of me cannot decipher a better meal between the two because neither seems all that appealing at the moment. The only way to solve such a mystery is turn the judgment to my husband, who in truth really has never had a preference about anything. He chooses chicken and in that exact moment I know deep in my heart that is exactly what I don’t want! This will probably remain and unsolved mystery. Based on the immediate look of distain on my face my husband knows I’ve vetoed his choice. This happens a lot. According to my father in law, my mother in law does the same thing quite often. Maybe it’s the result of marrying the men we did or maybe it’s designed deep within my second X chromosome that’s got me wonky.

Either way how is it I know nothing and then the slightest push or pull one way or the other is enough to define what I’d been mulling over for far too long? Should I start approaching people with Door 1 or Door 2; option A or B? I’m not planning on making decisions based on what they want but maybe it’s that spark that will disclose what I want. It’s all in the details…from each of my indistinguishable preferences come all the other curious thoughts, and I just don’t know, at least not yet.

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.

The other day I was talking to my friends about blogging of course, and expressing my longing to post about the basic events of my daily life. For whatever reason this seems to be beyond my capability and I am only designed to create emotional, cerebral accounts or at least have a moral and purpose behind my story. It almost seems silly because I don’t necessary expect people to appreciate my comings and goings but for whatever reason I want to attempt this challenge. There are regular moments of anecdotal humor that needs some record or acknowledgment.

For instance, as I type , I’m sidelining a text fight with my husband. Being the smarty pants I consider myself I put my foot down on gift purchases. I was sick and tired of purchasing registry gifts for our friends. I was doing all the work and spending but only getting partial credit. The real issue is that I have a hard time buying things and not grabbing a fair few desirous items for myself. Here we are a mere two days away and nothing was been done…and it’s killing me! Then hark, an incoming text, my husband got a gift. What in the what what? After pride and shock pass, I dare ask the question that will only end badly, what did you get them? Dish towels. Eek! Yes, they are on the registry. Yes, they are functional. But how can I explain the Emily Post-esque etiquette to him that they are an additive gift, not the singular, stand alone type? I know this is my fault but seriously? This never crossed his typically ostentatious spending habit self? Oh and being the big spender he is be had them gift wrapped. Hmph.

This very same man, whom I knew was eccentric upon marrying him though admired it more in an endearing way, made me dinner the other night. I’m still trying to grasp the concept. If you haven’t heard me say this, this is my husband that doesn’t even heat up his own leftovers. I can’t entirely blame him because I witnessed a déjà vu with his mom and dad about the microwave and I’m convinced it must be hereditary. Turns out I had an unexplained high fever and was miserably poached on the couch and after whining I managed to convince him I needed pecan pancakes. Leave it to me to be difficult even when fighting a staggering 102 fever. I watched him and corrected ever possible misstep I witnessed until my talking privileges were revoked and my dinner held ransom. He was paying particular attention to them cook, which was a relief since I would soon be ingesting them. As he walked my plate over he slipped out a mischievous giggle. Being the astute wife I am, I knew. How could I not have suspected? There so delicately designed were two pecan pancakes one in the shape of a bunny which he anxiously pointed out the nose, ears and tail and the other not to be overshadowed was the R-rated illustration of anatomy that present company doesn’t possess. Sometimes I forget I’m married to a 13yr boy.

I cannot make this stuff up but hey this is me and I gotta say these are regular occurrences and I personally get a kick out of them, that is after I move beyond my agitation.

because. because. because.

I’m back and have not been away for lack of things to share. I was more in a place of not sure how to share my thoughts, the real ones at least. I wish I could recycle this mood and tap into it on days when a little extra motivation is needed. I’m overcome with a desire “to do, “to complete” and it feels good but something’s unnatural about this high because my emotions of late have robbed any sense of priority of getting thru my day to day. Along with my kung fu fast hands my brain seems to be processing things rapidly as well. Mixed in with all of it is a defining question, why is it so hard to share the good?

This is something I’m not alone in and of that I am certain. Sure, it’s hard for me to share the bad but then again sharing has never been my strong point. Why do I have a tiny sense of guilt with my successes? I’ve actually managed to lose 5lbs and gotta tell you I’m pretty stoked but why do I hesitate in telling people? I’m doing well at my job and absolutely love it but I hardly mention it to others. Why is this? I have my very own cheerleading section that would be ecstatic to know these things and would highly doubt any attack on my joy, so why not?

I’ve had my word vomit under control a long time ago, though for the few moments I’m with the dearest of friends and need to detox so the deepest darkest confessions I’m about to mention rarely see the light of day. The truth is maybe it’s because I struggle in being in others people’s joy. I certainly know how to cry in their sorrows but the other isn’t something I’m good at and I’m ashamed. There is real, sincere happiness when someone experiences a blessing but later when I’m alone there’s a quiet hurt. I never want to take away the wonderful from others so why it is these wounds continue to bleed?

The other day when I was feeling especially unpleasant I found out someone I think is exceptional, whom I naively imagine hardly ever deals with disappointments, had experienced something unthinkable. I was heartbroken. Like I said I know how to empathize all too well. I had one of the obvious realizations that have to actually occur before it clicks. But we’re all the same, triumphs and struggles, spoken or unspoken, noticed or not they are there. It’s not exactly comforting but they’ll always be a yin and a yang that balances each of us and that might be worth remembering next time I avoid disclosure or dwell on shortcomings.

search party

I find myself more quiet and cerebral lately. I’m so aware of others triumphs and tragedies it’s all I can do to not break. Just a few thoughts…

sometimes it’s okay to be silent
do-over’s are make believe but second chances are real
dwelling and remembering are two very different acts

I find myself wandering the internet like one of those late night trips to Target when you don’t need a thing but manage to buy a cart full as you mosey down each isle and bask in the calm. Not sure what I’m looking for but I know I’ll find at best a distraction on the world wide web. I don’t follow too many blogs unless I know the person otherwise I find myself hypercritical of the author or (gasp!) my own blogging efforts. Truth be told I’m pretty noncommittal with the blogs of perfect strangers, some have information and others just comic relief. I often wonder what’s wrong with me when I see so many followers on a given blog and wonder what I’m missing… I came across a woman’s post the other day and I’m sure this is in poor blog etiquette but I had to repost. I’ve never visited her page before so I’m not sure what all it entails but I got a good laugh out of it and the ways people attempt to be comforting but sometimes these things are better left unspoken, please excuse the language as I didn’t edit her post.


I have been thinking about the crappy things that people have said to me in the past few weeks – here is a rundown of some of the gems:
1. Everything happens for a reason. – If you can’t tell me the god damn reason that this happened, get the hell out of my face.
2. Time heals all wounds. - Neosporin heals wounds. If you don’t do something to help the wound it gets infected.
3. Be grateful for what you have. I am grateful for what I have. I am still allowed to mourn my loss. I am still being a mother to my child and a wife to my husband. I am still being a sister to my brothers and a daughter to my mother.
4. At least you didn’t lose a real baby. Yes, I can only imagine the loss of a full term child, or even a child that you spent years with is much harder. The thought of anything happening to Jace has always been my nightmare. I am not comparing battle scars. If that is the case, there are so many people who have gone through worse. This is not a contest I would want to win.
5. You can always try again. Yes, we can. Thanks for that piece of helpful advice. Not.
6. You’re not the first and you won’t be the last. No shit.
7. Just let it go. Seriously? Apparently you don’t know me as well as you think you do. Would I be the kind of person who should be a mother if losing my 4th pregnancy in a row did not make me a little sad?

This is my dance space. This is your dance space.

The other day I got Dirty Dancing for a steal of a deal. The fact that I don’t already own it is nothing short of a travesty and frankly shocking! It’s probably due to the fact that many moons ago when we had television it played at least once every weekend on TBS or TNT and I could satisfy my insatiable need for awesomely bad one hit wonders and seriously dated hair and dance moves. I’d been feeling an overwhelming desire to watch it for some time now and for whatever reason made it my mission last Friday after a terribly long clinic and ta-da scored the last copy at Target for $5.00 and had a tickle me Elmo death grip or whatever the new thing is these days on it all the way to the register. One thing people probably don’t realize is here in the mountains resources are limited and if you can’t find it here it requires a trip to Denver or a dreaded mail delivery from let’s say Amazon that may or may not make it to my P.O. Box. We’re certainly not the hill people or anything but I do get a little extra excited when I find exactly what I’m looking for right when I’m looking for it.

Let’s just say I’ve watched it more than once in the short span of time that was my weekend. A mix between my thirst for knowledge and my handy-dandy iPhone I always “research” films as I watch them and Dirty Dancing was no different. First note, they are in works for a remake which I am surprisingly alright with, until that is I decided I can’t stand who’s cast. My initial thought was “oh Zac Efron would be amazing” because I can no longer hide my love ever since the first HSM and feel a little less of a pedophile knowing he’s 23yrs old but still a bit icky. (But if I find out he’s really with Rumer Willis we’re done!) Back on track…turns out people are already talking about him in the lead so dreams can come true.

I guess the most interesting factoid was that it almost never was. Apparently Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze couldn’t stand each other and had previously worked with one another in Red Dawn. Their mutual distain was so strong that they both dropped the film and the producer forced them to watch the screen test to witness the undeniable chemistry and that’s how movie magic happens, people. Also thought provoking was the fact that Patrick Swayze was 34yrs old when it filmed. I did the math myself because I could hardly believe he was more than in his mid 20’s.

Now the funny part of this movie that enraptured my childhood was that for years I never know what in the world was going on. Granted, I was young and naïve but guess I didn’t really need explanations because it really was all about the musical numbers, right? Come to find out Penny was pregnant. Yeah a major part in the story line that I happened to miss. In the time the movie was set it was a pretty controversial issue and people didn’t discuss things like we do. I mean they never said “pregnant” it was “she’s in trouble” and abortion was “help her”. Learning or realizing the nature of the issue made it more dramatic that I’d ever given it credit for.

Oh and I’m not sure if I’m the only one that constantly experiences moments of déjà vu or just the only one who notices…this was more of my Truman Show moments, those ones where it’s so eerily on point with your life that the universe has patched together enough random events that could only be applicable for your enjoyment. No? Am I the only one? Anyway Saturday when I pull into the grocery store lot there is a guy straight up rocking out to “She’s Like the Wind” by our very own Johnny Castle! Okay, who rocks out to that? Totally had to be a first and a song most infamously known as a power ballad from the adult contemporary section, needless to say it made my day and spurned me to watch the flick again.

I’ve included a song from my favorite clip in the national treasure that is Dirty Dancing. Enjoy!

Diagnosis: identification of the nature/cause of anything

Reading. Learning. Research. This whole PCOS thing is a complete enigma; then again being female we have a tendency to posses many mysteries. Apparently I have an over-abundance of testosterone aka the boy-mome. I thought I read it wrong at first because I felt more like a woman than ever. The whole concept is overwhelming and all I can do is gather tidily-bits here and there. As with everything in life each situation is different ,as are the people than encompass it. I’m learning to take testimonials with a grain of salt and not have a meltdown when I disagree with someone’s interpretation of the condition.

Those of you whom I’m were dying to know, I started! The girls at work and I celebrated, yeah it was a pretty big deal. Of course I was indisposed for over a week and could barely walk but feel like I’m shifted out of neutral. Wouldn’t you know it too, my skin cleared up and I lost 6lbs. Odd how it’s the week we ate out almost every night, which in truth is very unlike us. It felt good to wear real pants again, though I love my leggings I was feeling a little sloppy there for a bit. Oh and my skin is amazing, clear skin is so underrated in my opinion. For whatever reason I always associated breakouts with bad hygiene, aka just plain dirty. Of course that doesn’t apply to everyone I guess I’m the case in point for that but it’s made a huge difference in my overall demeanor.

I’m meeting with my naturopath next week to get a menu board going and I’ve gotta tell you it freaks me out. I’ve said for years, “I don’t know how people do it!”. Of course there’s always my dramatic references like Shelby from Steel Magnolias, yeah I’m not diabetic but apparently it kind of mimics in the way the body processes sugar. I so sympathize with people and food restrictions, lactose intolerance, diabetics, celiac, or any allergy or aversion and dieters in general. The fact is I’ve never deprived myself from anything I wanted, back before this I ate what I wanted and frankly looked good, even if I didn’t appreciate it at the time. Obviously things could be a lot worse but I’ve got some serious adjustments to make after 28 years of caution to the wind it’s time to change it up.

I haven’t felt like me or looked like me as far as I’m concerned in a long, long time. Hopefully a combination of my motivation and information will keep me from becoming too discouraged and get me back to me, healthy me. Oh and special thanks to my wonderful friends for the resources and encouragement!

for those that wonder

So I haven’t “really” blog in a couple weeks, certainly not the end of the world but nonetheless absent from this cathartic ritual of exposing more than I ever dared or thought possible. I find myself escaping life in other avenues and pining away for adventures yet to be had. You can’t image the hours spent on travel websites last week. I also plunged full force into dress shopping for a wedding I’ll be attending in September. So many colors, materials, styles and prints… a harmless escape to my online cart that never checks-out. Surface wise this shouldn’t be a growing concern.

For whatever reason I thought about my blog and writing almost every day last week and almost childlike refused to share even a word. It’s hard to determine the exact emotion or what was manufacturing it but I know that I needed to breath out these truths no matter how embarrassing, selfish, trivial they may be, that was why I engaged in this process anyway.

It’s hard to make what I’m feeling come across as witty or endearing because I’m just a mess. Most of the things I’ve been saying and feeling lately aren’t even me. Out of simple fear that the evil comments running around my head get loose I’ve just distanced myself from everyone and everything determined to try to cope and deal.

At the risk of sounding completely melodramatic my current affliction is the fact that my last period was April 23rd, 2011. For those of you who aren’t mathematicians that’s over 100 days and a little more that 14 weeks. If someone had told me they’d experienced this I’d probably be secretly jealous, for those of you that know me my cycles are nightmarish and I can’t say that I’d mind missing one or two. Obviously flaw in this would be miraculous gift is you can’t get pregnant if you’re body isn’t working properly. The second being that I am completely and utterly miserably. I’d probably go about my business and see this blessed vacation as a gift if it weren’t for this. You know that feeling the 24hrs-12hrs before you start when you “just know”…that sense that your just about to lose control of your body for the next few days? I wake with it, work with it, sleep with it. I’m sure I don’t need to delve into the universal symptoms and extreme discomfort that go along with this prolonged process.

One thing and a big thing I’d like to liberate into the digital world is a diagnosis I got from my OBGYN a couple weeks back. It turns out that I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Frankly, I’d suggest looking it up because I’m still trying to determine in laymen’s terms what it entails. Apparently it’s fairly common, like 5%-10% of women suffer from it after my sarcastic response of “great I get to be another statistic, aren’t I lucky to be so numerically challenge”, I felt a slightly relieved. The associated symptoms are direct concerns that have come up over that last few years such as my fertility issues, weight gain and skin problems. I sincerely thought I’d been punished for perfect skin in my teenage years and to go through such physical changes without cause made me feel out of control and insane.

This turned out more like a journal entry but I need to keep the people that are special to me close and I know they want to support me so it was worth sharing. This is me and my dailies right now.

I’m having a moment…

What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?

a dash of Micah 6:8 and a splash of Matthew 4:4

We all have our favorite smells and spices. That special ability to make a recipe our own, fashioned just right to our particular needs and cravings. Sometimes certain combinations have that just right marriage of complete rebirth into something that you never knew you always wanted. Aside from the obvious salty with sweet or chocolate with peanut butter, life mixes in the strangest dashes of obstacles and experiences.

I’ve been struggling to make my Colorado church my home. I can’t help it, I grew up and got to attend some pretty amazing congregations and based on that luxury I continually let my expectations exceed reality. Actually that’s a general issue with me. The fact is I’ve been sabotaging my relationship with my church. The worship isn’t as good, the pastor looses my attention, and the people are unusual etc... This isn’t a judgment passed on them but more an excuse for me to remain unconnected.

Sunday happened to be a mini breakthrough for me. There’s usually at least one key point in a message that feels like a sucker punch but this time it was an illumination of everything. I barely had time to recover from a statement before another equally as powerful and humbling as the one that preceded it…I couldn’t write fast enough and frankly I barely got most of it on paper for fear of being distracted.

Our general series is about loving one another but the leading subject was spiritual growth. This is always convicting and I’m left to wonder if I’m growing in the proper increments. Like when a parent worries if their child isn’t developing at the rate of others…haunted by comparisons. Somewhere in-between the scriptures and explanations we approached the topic of nutrition came up. My light bulb started to flicker. Ding! For years my spiritual feedings have been a strict diet of baby food. I’ve had these fresh prepared meals catered to suit my personal taste.

As of late, in my new church, I’ve been malnourishing myself, rejecting certain things because I didn’t care for the look or taste of things immediately. I’ve been living like I’d been offered a buffet and I could pick and choose as I pleased. I guess that’s alright for some people and on occasion but just as I need to have a balanced healthy diet in my human body my spiritual body longs for it. Things wouldn't function otherwise or even shut down if not properly tended to.

Just to continue with the literal analogy and switch off my childlike “picky-eater syndrome” I’m going to learn to start cutting my own meat again and eating properly, no more taste testing and adjusting the menu. In this process I hope to mature my palate and develop a taste for life the way He’s intended me to.

reciprocate my love

A pen and paper but words have no sound.
A walk with a breeze but not a thought to hold.
Light notes and pale colors…
I’d like for you to go away.
A part that’s longing to forget.
Getting into these mistakes is aged.
New days with revelations is growth.
Breaking past moments and waiting,
Define me.