.:unhealthy thinking is bad for the soul:.

What to write? So much going on, not sure anything is worth or desired to write about... I haven't been myself lately. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Considering the state of things it's not surprising. Something that has been pressing me is a thought triggered by a pastor a couple months back. He questioned why "Christians" have this natural thought process of, and I'm paraphrasing, "when things go bad, it's God punishing us for something we did or are doing wrong".

I think my jaw literally dropped and I'm certain I tuned him out the next few minutes trying to get my head around it. I know in my heart it's NOT true, God isn't punishing me for my faults. However, every time something fails and disaster strikes my instant reaction is a chastised child and I fearfully examine myself to see what mistakes I have made.

I'm not sure how my beliefs got so off track. Granted, I grew up in an "unhealthy environment" and attended an unusual, old fashioned, fire and brimstone church for a number of years. I guess I always attributed my backwards thinking to my upbringing...But when that pastor mentioned it I realized I wasn't alone, it's a general misconception! Why do we do this?

God is our father and he loves us far beyond our understanding. That's just it too. How can He love me? I try and I fail every day and His patience, love and understanding isn't human, so it's just inconceivable. He blesses us every single day in our own individual ways, whether we choose to take note of it or not. Now granted some Biblical characters were "punished" for disobedience but why would I think that because I lost my job, had a miscarriage etc... that God is teaching me a lesson? Am I in sin?

I never dwell on theses motives long but it continues to be an instinctive reaction. YES, bad things have happened, some things I never could have imagined but not for the reason the Devil wants me to think. I can't explain all the purposes behind it all yet but now I'm using it to be a testimony for myself and others. I know that when my heart breaks and I'm crying and scared He's with me. Not in an "I told you so moment" but an 'I'm here and I want to comfort and console you because you are me daughter and I love you" presence.

Someone quoted Max Lucado, "God withholds what we desire to give us what we need." That's what I needed to hear. I desire so many things in order to have that satisfaction of having everything I think I'm suppose to have but God knows my heart even when I'm not seeing and choosing quite clearly and He always gives me what I need and really that's what counts.