Wait...where's Edward?

It feels like forever since my last blog. In real time it’s been a little more than a week while emotionally it’s could have translated into months. I’ve been avoiding it really. My mood hasn’t been the best for sharing. It seems that not saying anything has kept me in good terms and I’d prefer to keep it that way. Besides I don’t want to be that person. Just a lot of blah, meh, ugh, hmph days.

It’s pretty insane how way weather can affect the psyche…which I assume it partly to blame for my frame of mind. It’s been snowing A LOT here and yes I live in Colorado but it’s nearing the end of May and we enjoy summers here too. I mean it’s not Antarctica! I’m not sure which is gloomier, my mood or the weather…it’s almost like I live in Forks, minus the heartthrob vampires.

Aside from the weather defying the fact that it’s Spring/Summer, I’m having my own trouble adapting. The winter season though arduous and long has become an unhealthy safety net and not just metaphorically. It’s an acceptable excuse for everything i.e. I can’t correspond because I’m so busy with work and I’ll reconnect after ski season. I don’t have to work out or even go outside because it’s below freezing. I’m not required to develop friendships let alone maintain them because we’re all busy until the end of April. Well here we are the end of May and I’ve still managed to avoid everything, friends, family, goals, improvements, projects etc…

It’s kind of discouraging to think about it as a whole. I can feel myself shutting down and closing off. It happens when I get overwhelmed or fall so far behind that I lose the will to catch up. It’s kind of become my M.O. which I joke about but in reality it’s not funny at all.

I’ve been reading this book by Francis Chan, Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God…and I know I’m a few years late but I think that maybe “now” it’s the right time for me. Let me preface this by saying this may not be what others take from the book just my perspective. Anyway there is this basic concept of downsizing my feeling from being in a perpetual state of overwhelmed vs. underwhelmed. Again it’s nothing radical but I’m attempting to ask myself what is my purpose today? Not for my life. Not in the next five years or even next week. Just today. Believe me it’s a struggle, to push aside my other thoughts and worries but I’m feeling relief and even a since of accomplishment instead of dwelling on everything that still needs tending to.

My to-do list looks nothing like its former self. Instead of twenty things I’d love to get done and rejoice in the challenge of defeating it, it’s been reduced to maybe five things though I know I can achieve more I don’t want to experience my life through a book of list even though I love that feeling it’s becoming a hindrance. Yes, only I can turn something good into something ugly. No, I’m kidding and I know I wasn’t going to share and boo-who all over my blog but sometimes it’s these itty-bitty revelations that might really help someone else.

forfeit: something surrendered

Choices are a funny thing. We absolutely demand and even long for them however it’s not too often we enjoy facing them. It’s what’s life’s all about, this free-will thing. Options are everywhere, yes or no; black or white; now or later etc… Quite often it’s more than just two definitive selections but I’m just trying to create a concept.

As of late I have been inundated with choices. Now I love that I can control a situation with my preference(s) but at the moment it’s becoming overwhelming. I find myself wishing it was a simple as chocolate or vanilla and relinquishing my personal independence and choosing strawberry. I have always been rather decisive maybe in part because I decide so quickly to maintain a sense of certainty. Is that something you can grow out of? Did I misplace confidence?

I adore spreadsheets and find a way to incorporate all aspects of my life in them. (I know I need another hobby.) There is something so reassuring about seeing things in print. Columns of pros and cons precisely weigh each thought. Well at least they used to. I can no longer trust my own judgment. I truly believe fear is one of the most powerful weapons but maybe my doubt isn’t generated from that but happiness.

It’s an odd notion but the fact is that there’s no guarantee that my/your happiness will bring the same joy to others. So the choices are to sacrifice happiness or pursue it. I’ve never been fond of selfish people making self-seeking decisions but maybe this is that one time I should consider me.

growing up or grown up

I get so afraid sometimes
our life's never gonna start.

No, baby.

We're already in our life.

It's already started. This is it.

You have to stop waiting, baby.

-from P.S. I Love You

As of late I keep having these momentarily lapses of reality. Have you experienced a complete and total conundrum? I never understood the concept of women lying about their age. Not that I’m starting to lie about my age because that would be ridiculous, at least at present. What I mean to say is I think I get it. I feel old and I also feel young, sometimes within the same instance. I found myself looking at anti-ageing creams at the store and felt embarrassed, not because I felt I needed them but more because I’m not allowed to purchase them yet. Really though, it’s not just the associated physical flaws that unearth themselves as our male counterparts manage with much more grace but the pressure I sense in relation to time.

Hope I’m not stepping on any toes because I’m only in my late twenties, ugh I hate saying that by the way, but this is what’s currently consuming me so watch your feet! I have so many goals that have yet to be achieved; so many dreams unfulfilled it’s almost heartbreaking to think about wasted time. Almost in this very instant I am reassured that there’s still time? Is there? Of course but I’m still not at a point to pursue these experiences. What if by the time I finally am it will have really been too late? Today I found myself Goggling searching “late bloomers” and it was surprisingly comforting to see talented people coming into their own when they were older than I am now.

The quiet adventurer in me could just as well walk away from everything today, without a plan and experience the world but the real me, the everyday me, realizes the flaws in these fantasies. What if what I want isn’t possible? Most of the idealist dreams I have contradict one another and both cannot exist within the same life or even lifetime.

I've been like this for awhile, actually it started quite young. Do you remember the Choose Your Own Adventure book series? I so badly wanted to enjoy them like my friends and classmates did but it wasn’t possible. I feared I might make the wrong choice and miss out. I’d read both chapters to determine what my options really were. Looking back it was kind of cheating, cheating myself out of the fun. I wound up reading them again and again to make sure I’d experience every possible outcome. I didn’t want to miss out. I don’t want to miss out.