sovereign

i know it’s not because you aren’t big enough
i know it’s not because you don’t care
i know it’s not because you aren’t capable
i know it’s not because you love me any less
i know it’s not because you don’t have a plan
i know it’s not because there‘s something wrong with me
i know all the “it’s not because” but sometimes I wish I knew the “it’s because”...

blah, blah, blah

Confession… major slacking going on here, which is so unlike me for the most part. Yesterday I actually asked to go home early. I don’t miss work, I don’t call in sick, I’m the employ that is sent home due to illness and/or overtime. I’ve been unfocussed for about two weeks or so and moseying through my workdays and not accomplishing much at home. Typically I’d be embarrassed to admit this and I did have some guilty moments but I just can’t shake it.


Back to yesterday, I literally asked my boss if I could go home and had no reason for doing so. I still can’t believe it. Because he’s awesome he obliged without question. A better person would have taken advantage of the “free” time and done something productive like run errands, go to the store, clean or even grab a mani-pedi. Nope not me, I hopped in the car, got home, put on my comfy gear and crawled into bed. It was 2pm in the afternoon on a Tuesday and you know what it was fantastic. I really wasn’t even tired, though I did manage to doze off; it was just nice to escape the day and do nothing. When my husband got home he gave me the craziest look and asked if I was alight after I responded I was fine he immediately asked what I was doing. All I could surmise was that I just felt like going home.


I’m not announcing it to rub it in and while it was pleasant and harmless I really need to get it together. Afternoon naps on workdays aren’t acceptable as regular occurrences and it would be nice to feel like “me” again: focused, dedicated, attentive.

Five Question Friday

I seriously can’t believe I’m just now doing my first 5 question Friday post. I’ve been attempting them for weeks and now I get to participate in my first one!

1. What is your favorite sign of spring?
Don’t get me wrong I love all the freshness, flowers, and animals but being up in the mountains warmth isn’t always a guarantee. I mean we just had a snow storm yesterday. My favorite thing is the fact that it’s quieting down. We have ten 10 days left until the mountain closes and you can already feel the relief for us locals. The town is less cramped, my husband will actually get days off the dogs can play outside without getting buried…it’s the pleasant quiet that ensues.

2. What was your best birthday ever?
Well I’m hoping it’s yet to come… They weren’t very celebrated in my family so I never had a clear understanding or true appreciation for them. I have been fortunate enough to be surrounded by amazing, thoughtful friends that have done wonderful acts of kindness on my birthdays and I’m starting to see what all the hype is about.

3. What is your favorite dessert?
I’m not a huge dessert person, but I sure did marry one. I love to cook and bake them but I don’t get excited about too many. I think those of you who know me know that I’m a diehard sno-cone fan…and not just any kind. Shaved ice sno-coned from SnJ are my absolute weakness. I never really considered it a dessert because I personally don’t think there is a time frame needed to eat them.

4. What is the best excuse you've ever used to get out of a ticket?
Surprisingly I have a pretty fantastic record. I think the last time I got pulled over was pretty lame and I was going 4mph over…really. I kinda broke down when he got to the car. And no I wasn’t doing my best Meryl to when an Oscar, I was having just about the worst month of my life and I blurted out that I had just been laid off and that was the truth. He looked taken aback and told me that my record was clean so let’s just consider it a warning.

5. Do you wake up before your alarm, with your alarm, or after hitting snooze several times?
I hate snoozing! I don’t know why someone would subject themselves to those annoying noises over and over again. My husband snoozes and I believe most people do and it has to be the worst way for me to wake up. I regularly manage to wake up and look at my alarm five minutes or so before it actually goes off. Granted I’m not one for sleeping in, never have been and I’m not sure I know how, but ugh that racket, no thank you!

Just hangin' out...at least for now

So over the last month I’ve been in the fast lane…of life that is. I mean I was cruising. Being the control freak… err, I mean Nervous-Nellie I am, I was unexpectedly thrilled in my ability to hang on and as they say just enjoy the ride. As you can imagine that isn’t my natural disposition. Generally, I am fretting and asking, “Where are we going?” “How long until we’re there?” as well as insisting to “Slow down!” “Not now”… to put it mildly I’m not the best travel companion. So back to my sudden fast-track, well it ended. Almost as abruptly as it began. The whole experience was pretty frenzied and conflict/road blocks were everywhere however I was unyielding. It was like I had this “goodbye cruel world, I’m off to bigger and better things” bumper sticker".

Now here I am back at the station waiting for my departure… No sympathy required; it was wonderful and exciting and exhausting. Decidedly I won’t fret about what caused things to seemingly halt because maybe they didn’t and it’s my perspective that is skewed. Though for a minute there I was on the edge of my seat with that antsy oh-oh-pick-me-pick-me-oh-me-me expression.

going, going, gone

Bear with me here people it’s another musical blog…kinda. Well Hillsong United did it again, penned a song that speaks volumes and breaks me beyond what I thought possible. So as I’m driving yesterday Search My Heart is getting played on the radio and as usual I’m singing along almost without realizing it. Later on that day the tune is still in my head, as I hum a sing to myself I stop and comprehend what I’m saying. Yeah, yeah, we sing and talk a lot about “restore my life” “I will follow You” “without You I am nothing” “with all my heart” etc… It’s good and yes this isn’t to take any sentiment or many away from them but what gripped me was the opening and closing line. It only appears three times in the song almost unassuming and modest, “search my heart and search my soul”.

I practically reprimanded myself. Do I even know what that means? Am I aware of the magnitude of this request? Of course nothing can be hidden from Him and my desires and deeds are never fully in secret but worshipping to search my heart makes it all permissible. I am volunteering the information and what that means is now I can be called on it and no longer pretend to be oblivious to a sense of conviction.

This got me thinking about a friend’s blog on bold prayer and her searching for hers. In all truth, most of my big and bold prayers are fairly materialist and selfish, hey I’m being sincere. My GARGANTUAN prayer, that I was kinda proud of, was that when we put our house on the market it would sell in the first month and for the amount we were asking. I really felt as though I was exercising my faith and in this market it would be pretty miraculous. Suffice it to say I’m back at square one. Just like my friend I was a little discouraged I wasn’t able to establish the “right” answer or in this context the “right” prayer request.

My desires and dreams change quite often they grow, age, and evolve and I’m not sure if it’s the same for everyone else but I got rid of those comparisons to others a long time ago. Once the fear subsided I felt brave and proud for being able to acknowledge the authority of such things being spoken. Don’t get me wrong I’m still a little shaky but right now I’m living in this moment: search my heart and search my soul.

the ABC's of a fresh start

So lately I’ve been really examining my life. I’ve always been one of those overly organized (can there be such a thing), planning everything up to the exact moment taking into account every possible event that may or may not occur. You know the well not this week because_______________. Oh and not next since_______________. And Fridays are never a good day to_____________. Who made up these guidelines anyway? Are these notions relevant to anyone or anything, really? It got me thinking about what I want and let’s face it “there’s no time like the present” didn’t become a saying without ringing true. I’ve started to compile a list of thoughts and practices I want to characterize my life starting now. Not tomorrow or Wednesday which honestly I feel would a “fresher” start. Who says resolutions are just for the New Year. These are decision and promises that I have devised to focus on what I want for myself; they are mostly my own little reminders and challenges but there are a few I sampled from others over the years. Please excuse the cheat on “X”…it’s a complicated letter.

• Accept that life is in constant motion; with or without my permission



• Believe in my abilities and put them into action



• Creativity and originality don’t always have to be the same thing



• Develop those concepts that seem so beyond my reach



• Emotions are meant to highlight life not define it



• Find beauty…in the day, in others, in myself



• Give, give give and when it starts to hurt give again



• Hopes should be collective and establish relationships



• Imagine as if I were still young and innocent



• Just because I can doesn’t mean I should



• Kindness causes us to learn, and to forget, many things



• Learning that less is more and more is too much



• Movement isn’t necessarily the same thing as progress



• New beginnings can start now



• Overcome struggles head on and eyes open



• Peace is a gift that can be found even in the strangest of obstacles



• Question my choices daily to determine my direction



• Re-dos mean there was an attempt and a longing to thrive



• Support is not only meant to be received but also given



• Talking doesn’t exactly mean something’s being said



• Utter wonder should become part of my daily ritual



• Vulnerability doesn’t have to be shameful



• Willingness is my greatest challenge but also my utmost desire



• eXamine my thoughts and words before they are revealed



• Yesterday isn’t worth dwelling on anymore



• Zeal without knowledge is fire without light