today IS the exception

minimal makeup
blush and gloss
turquoise nail polish
olive green tank
grey boyfriend tee
cream swing sweater
skinny blue jeans
grey leather boots
silver chain necklace
and a messy (possibly the messiest) bun

By some accounts I don’t even really match but today when I looked in the mirror I felt pretty and quite simply satisfied. There are few days this happens so I relish the peace of mind and acceptance of myself. Why was today different? What has changed? My clothes weren’t new; I hadn’t just had my hair done, and pretty sure I was a pound or two heavier after that Girl Scout cookie binge last night…If only I could discover the magic formula I might be able to feel this way everyday

Being a girl is tough…or I guess I mean being a woman is tough. Even the times when I chastise myself there’s a part of me calling out the ridiculousness of it. I mean I am a fairly “normal” person. No deformities, not the heaviest, not the skinniest, generally considered moderately attractive…So why is it I torture myself with false ideas of beauty. Yes, I said FALSE, I don’t like the phrase “unrealistic view of beauty” because it’s all relative, at least from my point of view.

There’s no real closure for this, just a conundrum I think many others can identify with. Maybe I’ll get lucky and these good vibes will continue on thru the weekend.

it's not about me

So I have written a total of three blogs today, wait this is my fourth and first posted. It’s weird when you’re open and perceptive how you can experience so much more direction. Not to say they weren’t adequate blogs, just not for now. After completing the first I kept repeating verses to myself. Turns out it was Psalms 139:1-10. (Why am I continually amazed by the relevance of scripture?) Well I Googled it for the complete passage and it. was. powerful.

For me its perspective/significance had changed, less a word on peace and comfort but now more an admonishment for my "attempt" at secrecy. Who am I to think I can hide my thoughts from Him? My silence isn’t concealing anything. I am seen. I am heard. I am desired. There is no exceptions, no circumstance that will change this. Let me just say it was humbling. Yet another blog for another time…

But for some reason my thoughts were incomplete. I kept the Googled results on my desktop and kept going back and reading and re-reading. After a while, in a moment of idleness, I grabbed my phone to peruse the daily Facebook posts and come across an alarming post from a very old friend. Personally, I don’t know how these people share such things publicly, typically my first reaction but this left me breathless and broke my heart. It was such a desperately sad post about feelings of worthlessness. Then I was brought back to Psalms 139. I was hesitant…who am I to pass a word but it felt right, all doubt and pride aside I responded.

People know I’m a horrible correspondent and I’ve never argued the fact but I wish I made more of an effort to share my heart with people. When I see Facebook posts and blogs most of the time I’m not dwelling on the content but the memories and feelings I have towards the individuals sharing. If people only knew the love and thoughts I have towards them… Not just close friends but acquaintances that seem to be hurting so much and experiencing daily struggles.
People going thru divorce, unemployment, infertility, acceptance, failure etc… I perceive of ALL these things but find myself thinking I should’ve…and that’s simply unacceptable.

My challenge and let’s face it an attainable goal is to reach out to my Facebook friends, whether they want to hear from me or not; and mostly whether I’m comfortable it with or not. It’s really time to set aside my qualms with privacy and these social sites and used them to a positive advantage.

Wish me luck!

New post: definitely; New blog: not so much

I'm not apologizing for going "post-less" so let's be forgiving and just go with it, no questions asked. Confession, I can't get out of my head. I've been in there for weeks maybe even months at this point. Thinking, contemplating, wishing, dreaming, doubting etc... It's time to get out. I can't make this a habit because I'll never leave and really it's no way to live.

In all honesty, I want so much, maybe more than I should be allowed. It's not like a Christmas list, these desires are beyond anything I could have ever imagined for myself. It scares me that I have these "needs" these untapped feelings that conflict with my reality.

Even more contradictory is the fact that they are entirely unwarranted. I don't sit and ponder new demands for my life but am daily rushed with images of absolute wonder...I've never dwelled on such high expectations.

I know, I know...my knack for saying so much without really saying anthing is astounding and it's a slow start but a fresh start none the less.