going, going, gone

Bear with me here people it’s another musical blog…kinda. Well Hillsong United did it again, penned a song that speaks volumes and breaks me beyond what I thought possible. So as I’m driving yesterday Search My Heart is getting played on the radio and as usual I’m singing along almost without realizing it. Later on that day the tune is still in my head, as I hum a sing to myself I stop and comprehend what I’m saying. Yeah, yeah, we sing and talk a lot about “restore my life” “I will follow You” “without You I am nothing” “with all my heart” etc… It’s good and yes this isn’t to take any sentiment or many away from them but what gripped me was the opening and closing line. It only appears three times in the song almost unassuming and modest, “search my heart and search my soul”.

I practically reprimanded myself. Do I even know what that means? Am I aware of the magnitude of this request? Of course nothing can be hidden from Him and my desires and deeds are never fully in secret but worshipping to search my heart makes it all permissible. I am volunteering the information and what that means is now I can be called on it and no longer pretend to be oblivious to a sense of conviction.

This got me thinking about a friend’s blog on bold prayer and her searching for hers. In all truth, most of my big and bold prayers are fairly materialist and selfish, hey I’m being sincere. My GARGANTUAN prayer, that I was kinda proud of, was that when we put our house on the market it would sell in the first month and for the amount we were asking. I really felt as though I was exercising my faith and in this market it would be pretty miraculous. Suffice it to say I’m back at square one. Just like my friend I was a little discouraged I wasn’t able to establish the “right” answer or in this context the “right” prayer request.

My desires and dreams change quite often they grow, age, and evolve and I’m not sure if it’s the same for everyone else but I got rid of those comparisons to others a long time ago. Once the fear subsided I felt brave and proud for being able to acknowledge the authority of such things being spoken. Don’t get me wrong I’m still a little shaky but right now I’m living in this moment: search my heart and search my soul.