.:unhealthy thinking is bad for the soul:.

What to write? So much going on, not sure anything is worth or desired to write about... I haven't been myself lately. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Considering the state of things it's not surprising. Something that has been pressing me is a thought triggered by a pastor a couple months back. He questioned why "Christians" have this natural thought process of, and I'm paraphrasing, "when things go bad, it's God punishing us for something we did or are doing wrong".

I think my jaw literally dropped and I'm certain I tuned him out the next few minutes trying to get my head around it. I know in my heart it's NOT true, God isn't punishing me for my faults. However, every time something fails and disaster strikes my instant reaction is a chastised child and I fearfully examine myself to see what mistakes I have made.

I'm not sure how my beliefs got so off track. Granted, I grew up in an "unhealthy environment" and attended an unusual, old fashioned, fire and brimstone church for a number of years. I guess I always attributed my backwards thinking to my upbringing...But when that pastor mentioned it I realized I wasn't alone, it's a general misconception! Why do we do this?

God is our father and he loves us far beyond our understanding. That's just it too. How can He love me? I try and I fail every day and His patience, love and understanding isn't human, so it's just inconceivable. He blesses us every single day in our own individual ways, whether we choose to take note of it or not. Now granted some Biblical characters were "punished" for disobedience but why would I think that because I lost my job, had a miscarriage etc... that God is teaching me a lesson? Am I in sin?

I never dwell on theses motives long but it continues to be an instinctive reaction. YES, bad things have happened, some things I never could have imagined but not for the reason the Devil wants me to think. I can't explain all the purposes behind it all yet but now I'm using it to be a testimony for myself and others. I know that when my heart breaks and I'm crying and scared He's with me. Not in an "I told you so moment" but an 'I'm here and I want to comfort and console you because you are me daughter and I love you" presence.

Someone quoted Max Lucado, "God withholds what we desire to give us what we need." That's what I needed to hear. I desire so many things in order to have that satisfaction of having everything I think I'm suppose to have but God knows my heart even when I'm not seeing and choosing quite clearly and He always gives me what I need and really that's what counts.

.:Not quite swimming but no longer sinking:.

I love this picture. At first it looked morbid, almost scary. Then I looked at her and and realized, she was calm, she was safe, she was floating. Then I saw myself. She'd been swept away in this deep, dark water then after time she'd found a peaceful current. Her head was above water she could see, she could breath... I am safe, I am floating.

So today I was lying there, talking to God and I just asked… Is it okay to be jealous, just a little bit? I kind of laughed almost knowing the answer immediately. The truth is I don’t feel wrong or bad for the feelings I have; maybe selfish at times. I don’t have any hostility or want to take from anyone’s joy but I want my own. I’m not sure if jealousy is even the right word.

I know that God is jealous of me and it’s so moving to be reminded of His passion for me and my faithfulness. Maybe my feeling is better described as desire. Life is slowly getting back to a state normalcy in my relationships and health. But now I’m at this summit where the decisions I make now will determine greatness. I’m just being candid about the place I’m in right now and I hope that no one is at all offended but I want more, actually I need more. Not tangible things like money per say. Alright I am rambling…

Along with everything else in the emotional mix, I’m excited. I’ve never been at this type of place in my life. I’m not going to lie it’s the scariest time of my journey. But how many people get to participle in the actual choices that shape their lives? Most of us get rushed into choices that our situations have made for us. No time to stop and think. So here I am, where am I going to work, where am I going to live? Life is continuing to move forward no matter how exhausted and wounded I am and I can’t control the abuse but I refuse to be destroyed by these afflictions.

My life is evolving and I get to be an active participant. I have my eyes to see, my ears to hear, my heart to feel and my God to lead so the concern of getting lost along the way is steadily fading.

...13 days and counting...

During communion at church today my friend sang that Kari Jobe song

“The More I Seek You” and I broke down into a thousand pieces.

Worship has always moved me...

It all culminated into this extended moment in time.

I cried the whole 30 minute drive to Silverthorne.

I was driving to Target to return my baby books.

After I parked I just sat in my car. I couldn’t do it.

I physically couldn’t walk them inside the store.

I can’t stand to look at them...

But I couldn’t bear the thought of cashing them in.

This outporting of emotions led to a string of words...

___________________________________________________________

we never got to see your face
you never received a name
as detached as this sounds
we’ll never be the same
slipping in and out of consciousness
my body has betrayed me
a gift was given and then was taken
a baby 6 weeks and 2 days
moving on doesn’t seem quite right
living however i’ve managed to lose sight
i still laugh, try to cope and cry
often these actions feel forced like lies
i’ve been promised peace
granted by faith in my father
your will is the path for my life
even if i’m meant to be the example
fighting these emotions i no longer even bother
figuring this out and trying to get a handle
i refuse to beat myself up
begging to know what went wrong
i can’t question why
i know that you love me
that i refuse to deny

___________________________________________________________

:enough is enough:

"Walk By Faith"
By: Jeremy Camp

Would I believe You when You would say

Your hand will guide my every way

Will I receive the words You say

Every moment of every day

Well I will walk by faith

Even when I cannot see

Well because this broken road

Prepares Your will for me

Help me to win my endless fears

You've been so faithful for all my years

With one breath You make me new

Your grace covers all I do

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face

Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace

Well hallelujah, hallelu

(I will walk by faith)

Well hallelujah, hallelu

(I will walk by faith)

I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith

I will, I will, I will walk by faith

...Philippians 4:7...

A million thoughts and not a solitary word to express them… I’m not capable of focusing on a single strain because they're all somehow linked together. For now I find it easier to convey others sentiments while I pray for PEACE. In my mind, in my body, in my heart, in my life, in my faith…

Where there is FAITH, there is LOVE;
Where there is LOVE, there is PEACE;
Where there is PEACE; there is GOD;
Where there is GOD; there is BLISS.

I wish I know who said this so I could give them the credit, for now it’s my prayer of peace.

: waiting : serving : worshiping :

I feel like I’ve been walking for days…Somewhat out of breath and slightly sore. No particular direction or purpose, just walking in place. I feel like I need this movement, not necessarily a physical one but an intention for action.

It’s a force of habit really; I’m moving with the intention of setting a pace then He can carry me in the right direction. It’s been our relationship as long as I can remember and it humbles me.

I remember at times taking action because my patience failed me and thinking well, “He’ll find me and be pleased that I made this choice”. A choice to follow Him, of course my rational and practicality played its role but ultimately "I’ve chosen His will", I assure myself. No sooner to find that he was reminding me “Be still and know that I am God…”

Be still? It’s hard to understand. I feel almost guilty waiting or even forgotten at times and I do a lot of waiting…and listening. I’m not gifted with such audible words from Him like my husband is. I find truth and beauty in other sources and I’ve tried to cultivate that form of communication but again I am reminded as always to be still.

Some people are called to move, to run, to seek but He watches me and thru these contemplations we are brought closer. Though it’s hard to see now, I know it will become as clear and evident as if He spoke the words aloud. So now I wait…but not alone.