...13 days and counting...
During communion at church today my friend sang that Kari Jobe song
“The More I Seek You” and I broke down into a thousand pieces.
Worship has always moved me...
It all culminated into this extended moment in time.
I cried the whole 30 minute drive to Silverthorne.
I was driving to Target to return my baby books.
After I parked I just sat in my car. I couldn’t do it.
I physically couldn’t walk them inside the store.
I can’t stand to look at them...
But I couldn’t bear the thought of cashing them in.
This outporting of emotions led to a string of words...
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we never got to see your face
you never received a name
as detached as this sounds
we’ll never be the same
slipping in and out of consciousness
my body has betrayed me
a gift was given and then was taken
a baby 6 weeks and 2 days
moving on doesn’t seem quite right
living however i’ve managed to lose sight
i still laugh, try to cope and cry
often these actions feel forced like lies
i’ve been promised peace
granted by faith in my father
your will is the path for my life
even if i’m meant to be the example
fighting these emotions i no longer even bother
figuring this out and trying to get a handle
i refuse to beat myself up
begging to know what went wrong
i can’t question why
i know that you love me
that i refuse to deny
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Rachel. I found your blog on Megan's page, and while I am completly unaware of what is going on in your life, and have only to guess from what I've read here, I will be praying for you during this time when your faith is being tested. Sometimes, all we can do is be silent in His presence and believe that He is still in control, even when everything around us is out of control. Keep pressing on friend.
ReplyDeleteOh my dear Rachel... I am crying while reading these words, trying to imagine the pain you feel and wishing I could have been sitting in that car to help you through. I am so proud of you for how raw and open you are allowing yourself to be, it would be so much easier in some ways to just bottle it up and fake it, but inside hurting so badly. I don't understand this life sometimes, I don't understand why things happen or turn out certain ways... but like you, I will have faith and believe that God is in control and that His perfect plan will show itself. I am here for you at every turn in this journey, like you have been for me in so many times in the past. I don't know how to make it better, but I will love you, pray for you, and listen to you... always!
ReplyDeleteHi Rachel...I found your blog through Megan's also. I'm so sorry for what you've had to endure in the last few weeks. The ups and downs can not be explained. I am all too familiar with your feelings as we lost a baby at 7 weeks, 2 days in June. I just wanted to you know that you're not alone. Every day gets a little bit easier, but it's never easy. You'll be in my prayers as I think about all of the angels in heaven who never made it to earth.
ReplyDeleteRachel I can't even begin to imagine what you are going thru. All I can do it pray for you any chance I get. That poem you wrote it absolutely amazing! I am proud to be able to read it. It is hard to know God is in control when things like this happen, but He is, and your faith will make it thru this. Keep staying strong and don't bottle things up! Blogs like this are truly theraputic I think sometimes. I will continue to pray for you. Love ya
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