.:Not quite swimming but no longer sinking:.

I love this picture. At first it looked morbid, almost scary. Then I looked at her and and realized, she was calm, she was safe, she was floating. Then I saw myself. She'd been swept away in this deep, dark water then after time she'd found a peaceful current. Her head was above water she could see, she could breath... I am safe, I am floating.

So today I was lying there, talking to God and I just asked… Is it okay to be jealous, just a little bit? I kind of laughed almost knowing the answer immediately. The truth is I don’t feel wrong or bad for the feelings I have; maybe selfish at times. I don’t have any hostility or want to take from anyone’s joy but I want my own. I’m not sure if jealousy is even the right word.

I know that God is jealous of me and it’s so moving to be reminded of His passion for me and my faithfulness. Maybe my feeling is better described as desire. Life is slowly getting back to a state normalcy in my relationships and health. But now I’m at this summit where the decisions I make now will determine greatness. I’m just being candid about the place I’m in right now and I hope that no one is at all offended but I want more, actually I need more. Not tangible things like money per say. Alright I am rambling…

Along with everything else in the emotional mix, I’m excited. I’ve never been at this type of place in my life. I’m not going to lie it’s the scariest time of my journey. But how many people get to participle in the actual choices that shape their lives? Most of us get rushed into choices that our situations have made for us. No time to stop and think. So here I am, where am I going to work, where am I going to live? Life is continuing to move forward no matter how exhausted and wounded I am and I can’t control the abuse but I refuse to be destroyed by these afflictions.

My life is evolving and I get to be an active participant. I have my eyes to see, my ears to hear, my heart to feel and my God to lead so the concern of getting lost along the way is steadily fading.