connected by mercy and forgivness

This is a blog to a friend. Obviously, this is a public forum and honestly it might apply to a lot of others in their own past, present, future, personal situations. Today I feel humbled. I am surrounded by moments that I’m currently unable to define and often not capable of mending.

I know. I understand. I’m right there with you. I’ve been watching a crack slowly run across my life, then quickly patched it up and as I run the other way. One single break multiples into dozens before my eyes. Maybe if I don’t watch it closely it won’t happen again or doesn’t exist under my hasty remedy. I see it building, the unsteadiness and the instability, so when it breaks I’m not exactly surprised but even with the foreshadow I’m not ready for the crushing emotion. These moments always manage to magnify all the other imperfections. I see myself running from person to person, situation to situation, moment to moment, patching up all my doubts and concerns hoping that either no one notices or just as a survival tactic to keep me from the moment(s) of complete despair.

It never works. No matter how fast I run. No matter what words I try and renovate it with. Not even the distractions I attempt to avoid it with. I had a moment like this last week and did my best to bypass the culminating issues and then…can you guess? Think… I thought of a song. If you haven’t figured it out I’m a musical person. It’s interesting because this wasn’t a worship song. And I’m going to say something and hope, hope, hope someone gets it. Sometimes you think you’ve heard it all, the scriptures that seem to appeal to every and any situation and it’s met with an I know, I know, we all know. Please don’t think I’m discrediting the impact they have but sometimes, for me at least, I need a “fresh” approach and one that I’ve managed to “discover” on my own and beyond that support is the only thing I desire.

Now that I think I’ve made that clear back to the point. The song was by Ingrid Michaelson …go figure, totally adore her. Pretty sure I’ve heard it numerous times and I’m sure it’s about a failed romance or something or other. It’s pretty peppy so I’ve managed to really not dwell on the words. It’s that one “Be Ok” and I think most are familiar with it. The line’s about “gallery of broken hearts” and “let me hold my broken parts” was like an instant revelation. I think I actually got a visual. With any mess we’re so quick to run and clean it up. I always get that quick satisfaction afterword of “see, all better”.

I’ll try not to generalize here but for me, for now, this will no longer do. I’m holding all my broken parts. I can almost literally see them in a duffle bag on the floor next to me. They are mine and they belong to me. I’m not getting rid of them because they’ve been fractured or they won’t fit as well as they used to or imagined they would. When it’s time and I’m ready I will put each one back on individually, relishing in the recovery. I’m no longer trying to rush through these moments only to have my Jenga house topple. It’ll take time and I’ll be walking around bruised and bandaged and maybe even bare a few holes but I think knowing this has giving me more optimism than I’ve had in awhile and keeps me from recycling the same emotions and anguish.

Newton's 3rd Law

Why do people want to change? I mean it’s alright for me to be dissatisfied and pine away days hoping, dreaming, wishing I had Emma Stone’s comedic timing, Eva Mendes’ skin, Alison Sudols’ ability to charm a tune and on and on and on... I think it’s healthy to appreciate other women and the beauties and characteristics that make them special. I don’t think it gets done nearly enough, it’s probably based on our own insecurities and that’s why we can’t openly acknowledge and welcome exquisiteness in all the facets it exists. Maybe if we all start embracing each other for the individuality we all posses whether it be natural or learned it would empower us to accept and love ourselves? Wouldn’t that be something…

Always striving for more and achieve additional moments of acceptance I lose track in the unrealistic expectation and not due to the media but myself. I’d be lying if I said image wasn’t important to me. The truth is I can be extremely shallow when it comes to me, not others. I could care less what so-and so’s hair color is or her shoe brand etc… but for whatever reason I constantly demand a certain level of “show” for myself. People that know me are fully aware of my endless wardrobe; I’m sure I could clothe a small village and make sure they’re perfectly accessorized. Granted, I don’t spend a fortune on clothes but I do feel the need to present myself in a certain fashion and it’s almost like a pastime. The truth is I don’t need these clothes. So long as my items fit properly and are in good condition and let’s not forget at least a little bit socially acceptable that should be fine. Right?

Realizing the constant need to adorn my body with fashion choices that draw attention to the actually articles and distract from me is hard to swallow. I know it’s something I can get a handle on slowly but surely. What is it they say? Acceptance in the first step?

As far as progress goes, I’ve been really into my nails lately. Odd, I know. The thing is I’ve always been insecure about them and wore fake nails for years to experience the illusion of great nails. You’re probably wondering what I’m talking about but they aren’t terrible by any means. My nails beds are really short and wow I sound ridiculous. Anybody see Mean Girls? The scene where they’re standing in the mirror criticizing themselves and Karen says “My nail beds suck!” Umm, yeah I love it because I could totally relate. Sorry just proving my point that it is a valid, perhaps even a common concern. What I mean to say it that I’ve dedicated time to the very thing that I lack confidence in. Every Sunday night I get my supplies together and prep my nails for the week. It’s my new thing and it really has improved my work week and boosted my poise. I guess there’s something to be said for being well manicured.

All in all I’ve made a little bet with myself and I’m hoping to keep it logged. For the ENTIRE week my goal is to take a minimalist approach. That’s right people, not sure how I’m going to pull this off but maybe my experiment will prove positive. Wish me luck!

tan's fade, but memories last forever

I’ve never been a Summery girl…I’m a Fall/Winter gal and those season’s just suit my personality. To me it’s the clothes: boots, sweaters, scarves, the fresh chill and ember warmth, foods, flavors, earthy colors and just the mellow vibe in the closing of a year. Even my musical stylings seem to reflect these inclinations. It’s totally me forever and always. Whoa, how can I get back to my ode to summer after that? Too much reminiscing…

The point of this was to express my new found appreciation for summer and all the wonders that it holds. I think my disdain for summer had something to do with growing up in middle America with the smothering humidity and stifling heat. I don’t pull off uncomfortably hot that well. Some girls glisten and glow with their effortless beachy waves and ooze a casual beauty in spaghetti straps…and uh well I’m not one of them. All of this translates to me being sweaty and frizzy and I require more support than most summer tops are willing to offer and am far too conscious to let additional tacky straps show.

Alright, I’m trying to get to the point but I think I’m finally at the spot where I get the summer lovin’. Not sure what brought it on; possible the long winter and/or maybe even my maturing into an adult that can appreciate things that aren’t may preferences. So here we go my current Top Eight Loves of Summer!

1. watermelons, mangos, strawberries, kiwis and all their sticky sweetness
2. sun dresses and jean jackets for the less confident
3. that one song every summer brings that everyone loves and comes on each time you turn on the radio…that is until late July, early August when you hope to never hear it again
4. and 5. the season embracing bright and bold nail polish colors and the flip flops that allow me to show ‘em off
5. the sudden justification that every meal should end in a trip for ice cream
6. probably alone in this... but absolutely love getting into a car warmed by the sun when I’m slightly chilled
7. the almost spontaneous super power of SMELL : cookouts, rain, bonfires, fresh cut grass, ocean, fireworks
8. impromptu escapes to St. Louis because it seems to be the only time to get away

clubs with initiation rights

Nope. Sorry, this is NOT an announcement but a vent as I collapse in exasperation unto my blog. I’m going to attempt to make a cohesive post from all these thoughts and emotions. If I was ever concerned about people judging me now would be a good time.

Disappointment can be suffocating. My expectations are constantly exceeding reality. I find myself daydreaming wouldn’t it be nice if I woke up pregnant? Ridiculous concept but sometimes it feels like that happens to other people all the time. I actually had a cruel dream that I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Torture. It’s like that lottery fantasy I waste time planning how I would spend multiple millions when in truth I’ve never even bought a lottery ticket. I’ve never been one to take the lazy approach so why am I enamored with thoughts of the easy way up or out? Why do I think this will happen? Should it? What makes me different?

Question after question laced with a hint of resentment. This really isn’t me at all. I’m counting on it being a phase, an ugly one. Just so everyone knows my heartbreak doesn’t take from any of the joy and love I feel for others. I haven’t struggled with pity too much other than an occasional lapse. Life wasn’t necessarily easy for me and that’s not something I’ll deny but I completely embrace it because without those struggles I wouldn’t be me. I know, totally cliché but oh well. But this time, just this once, I’m ready for a handout.

I feel bad about saying that because my experience isn’t anything special and pales in comparison to others that I can’t even imagine their misfortunes. I feel like a bad person but if something just happened I can’ imagine I’d appreciate it any less…I wouldn’t have to face choices and truths I’m just not ready to deal with…but I guess that’s not the plan. Later in life when these dreams are fulfilled, and they will be one way or the other, this will lose focus and importance, because in eternity this is but a glimpse.

troubles melt like lemon drops

I am a fantastic liar. In part, it’s because I’m my mother’s daughter, this isn’t meant in an offensive tone and she would be the first to agree, but another is the obvious fact that I’m female. I’m not talking about my uncanny ability to simulate an entirely phony scenario but more the things I am convince myself of regularly. I don’t put my hereditary talent to use but for whatever reason without purpose my mind will develop a fabricated account of something. Hopefully there’s no judgment in this omission because if I can’t be honest here then I might as well not blog at all.

Aside from that fault, I think it’s something that as women we struggle with almost daily. Now there are exceptions to everything, though I don’t know any “real” ladies exempt of this. My friends all have their struggles, embarrassments, insecurities etc… I guess I choose to associate with people just as neurotic as I am. Ask me to make a list of my dislikes or flaws and I could fill a page effortlessly. This is not a moment of false humility and not a desperate attempt to fish for compliments…that is a pet peeve of mine by the way.

For whatever reason a falsehood that I have bought into, hook, line and sinker, is that I’m just not as congenial as I want to be, need to be. Sure there’s physical attributes I could criticize but the ones that critique my personality are the most offensive because in reality it’s unchanging. Anyway, last night I went to an event and I was skeptical about socializing with old coworkers. Well the most amazing thing happened; they were thrilled to see me. Genuinely. It felt good to be the reason for the excitement to re-establish relationships that have gone dormant. People were talking to me with such excitement and demanding I make plans to get together. Why was I so astonished? Why had I been so cautious?

It’s me; it’s all in my head. I may not be a social butterfly but I do make my own contributions and without arrogance think that I must bring some enjoyment but for whatever reason feel the need to critique myself. Taking so much pride in my independence I sometimes play it off like I don’t need these relationships as much as I really do. I’m certainly not the most popular but I do offer a “likability factor” to which I’ve always managed to make friends, once you get past any involuntary facial expression that may seem intimidating. I’ve never been the Serena van der Woodsen or Blair Waldorff though there are some eerie similarities I share with Queen B. For others too old for the reference I’d be Lisa Turtle not Kelly Kaposwki. Sorry to get all Sally Field “you like me, you really like me” and I really need to stop with the celebrity references, but I have a sense of relief.

It always seems like it’s something. ..When I was skinny, I was never skinny enough… funny enough, spiritual enough, successful enough, likable enough. I’d like to start appreciating myself more and others for that matter. A compliment from someone is just about the most naturally high for me. I find myself grinning hours afterwards, sometimes even days. I want to feel good about myself and I want others to experience that feeling as well. Self loathing and rejection are robbing me and I’m starting to realized even the little unconscious slips are just as dangerous as all out disgust. Kind of rambling but I wanted to share my struggle to find balance and peace. It’s been a grueling and long journey but I think I’m coming back to contentment.

dream a little dream with me

An easy no fuss way to let you know what's going on in my life and what's on my mind. I'm certain your thinking it...Yes, I'm totally blogging the lazy way this week. Guilty!

My current nail polish...yeah it's not for everyone.

The last book I read…literally stayed up all night to read it in one day.

Last movie I saw…worth.every.penny.period.

An adventure I’m contemplating…one word PLATNIUM!

What I’d love to be doing at this moment…then again who wouldn’t?

Daydreaming about ...sweet, foamy goodness...

Most recent purchase… sometimes I just stare at it, sigh.