Monday, June 13, 2011

clubs with initiation rights

Nope. Sorry, this is NOT an announcement but a vent as I collapse in exasperation unto my blog. I’m going to attempt to make a cohesive post from all these thoughts and emotions. If I was ever concerned about people judging me now would be a good time.

Disappointment can be suffocating. My expectations are constantly exceeding reality. I find myself daydreaming wouldn’t it be nice if I woke up pregnant? Ridiculous concept but sometimes it feels like that happens to other people all the time. I actually had a cruel dream that I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Torture. It’s like that lottery fantasy I waste time planning how I would spend multiple millions when in truth I’ve never even bought a lottery ticket. I’ve never been one to take the lazy approach so why am I enamored with thoughts of the easy way up or out? Why do I think this will happen? Should it? What makes me different?

Question after question laced with a hint of resentment. This really isn’t me at all. I’m counting on it being a phase, an ugly one. Just so everyone knows my heartbreak doesn’t take from any of the joy and love I feel for others. I haven’t struggled with pity too much other than an occasional lapse. Life wasn’t necessarily easy for me and that’s not something I’ll deny but I completely embrace it because without those struggles I wouldn’t be me. I know, totally cliché but oh well. But this time, just this once, I’m ready for a handout.

I feel bad about saying that because my experience isn’t anything special and pales in comparison to others that I can’t even imagine their misfortunes. I feel like a bad person but if something just happened I can’ imagine I’d appreciate it any less…I wouldn’t have to face choices and truths I’m just not ready to deal with…but I guess that’s not the plan. Later in life when these dreams are fulfilled, and they will be one way or the other, this will lose focus and importance, because in eternity this is but a glimpse.

No comments:

Post a Comment