This is a blog to a friend. Obviously, this is a public forum and honestly it might apply to a lot of others in their own past, present, future, personal situations. Today I feel humbled. I am surrounded by moments that I’m currently unable to define and often not capable of mending.
I know. I understand. I’m right there with you. I’ve been watching a crack slowly run across my life, then quickly patched it up and as I run the other way. One single break multiples into dozens before my eyes. Maybe if I don’t watch it closely it won’t happen again or doesn’t exist under my hasty remedy. I see it building, the unsteadiness and the instability, so when it breaks I’m not exactly surprised but even with the foreshadow I’m not ready for the crushing emotion. These moments always manage to magnify all the other imperfections. I see myself running from person to person, situation to situation, moment to moment, patching up all my doubts and concerns hoping that either no one notices or just as a survival tactic to keep me from the moment(s) of complete despair.
It never works. No matter how fast I run. No matter what words I try and renovate it with. Not even the distractions I attempt to avoid it with. I had a moment like this last week and did my best to bypass the culminating issues and then…can you guess? Think… I thought of a song. If you haven’t figured it out I’m a musical person. It’s interesting because this wasn’t a worship song. And I’m going to say something and hope, hope, hope someone gets it. Sometimes you think you’ve heard it all, the scriptures that seem to appeal to every and any situation and it’s met with an I know, I know, we all know. Please don’t think I’m discrediting the impact they have but sometimes, for me at least, I need a “fresh” approach and one that I’ve managed to “discover” on my own and beyond that support is the only thing I desire.
Now that I think I’ve made that clear back to the point. The song was by Ingrid Michaelson …go figure, totally adore her. Pretty sure I’ve heard it numerous times and I’m sure it’s about a failed romance or something or other. It’s pretty peppy so I’ve managed to really not dwell on the words. It’s that one “Be Ok” and I think most are familiar with it. The line’s about “gallery of broken hearts” and “let me hold my broken parts” was like an instant revelation. I think I actually got a visual. With any mess we’re so quick to run and clean it up. I always get that quick satisfaction afterword of “see, all better”.
I’ll try not to generalize here but for me, for now, this will no longer do. I’m holding all my broken parts. I can almost literally see them in a duffle bag on the floor next to me. They are mine and they belong to me. I’m not getting rid of them because they’ve been fractured or they won’t fit as well as they used to or imagined they would. When it’s time and I’m ready I will put each one back on individually, relishing in the recovery. I’m no longer trying to rush through these moments only to have my Jenga house topple. It’ll take time and I’ll be walking around bruised and bandaged and maybe even bare a few holes but I think knowing this has giving me more optimism than I’ve had in awhile and keeps me from recycling the same emotions and anguish.
I know. I understand. I’m right there with you. I’ve been watching a crack slowly run across my life, then quickly patched it up and as I run the other way. One single break multiples into dozens before my eyes. Maybe if I don’t watch it closely it won’t happen again or doesn’t exist under my hasty remedy. I see it building, the unsteadiness and the instability, so when it breaks I’m not exactly surprised but even with the foreshadow I’m not ready for the crushing emotion. These moments always manage to magnify all the other imperfections. I see myself running from person to person, situation to situation, moment to moment, patching up all my doubts and concerns hoping that either no one notices or just as a survival tactic to keep me from the moment(s) of complete despair.
It never works. No matter how fast I run. No matter what words I try and renovate it with. Not even the distractions I attempt to avoid it with. I had a moment like this last week and did my best to bypass the culminating issues and then…can you guess? Think… I thought of a song. If you haven’t figured it out I’m a musical person. It’s interesting because this wasn’t a worship song. And I’m going to say something and hope, hope, hope someone gets it. Sometimes you think you’ve heard it all, the scriptures that seem to appeal to every and any situation and it’s met with an I know, I know, we all know. Please don’t think I’m discrediting the impact they have but sometimes, for me at least, I need a “fresh” approach and one that I’ve managed to “discover” on my own and beyond that support is the only thing I desire.
Now that I think I’ve made that clear back to the point. The song was by Ingrid Michaelson …go figure, totally adore her. Pretty sure I’ve heard it numerous times and I’m sure it’s about a failed romance or something or other. It’s pretty peppy so I’ve managed to really not dwell on the words. It’s that one “Be Ok” and I think most are familiar with it. The line’s about “gallery of broken hearts” and “let me hold my broken parts” was like an instant revelation. I think I actually got a visual. With any mess we’re so quick to run and clean it up. I always get that quick satisfaction afterword of “see, all better”.
I’ll try not to generalize here but for me, for now, this will no longer do. I’m holding all my broken parts. I can almost literally see them in a duffle bag on the floor next to me. They are mine and they belong to me. I’m not getting rid of them because they’ve been fractured or they won’t fit as well as they used to or imagined they would. When it’s time and I’m ready I will put each one back on individually, relishing in the recovery. I’m no longer trying to rush through these moments only to have my Jenga house topple. It’ll take time and I’ll be walking around bruised and bandaged and maybe even bare a few holes but I think knowing this has giving me more optimism than I’ve had in awhile and keeps me from recycling the same emotions and anguish.
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