search party

I find myself more quiet and cerebral lately. I’m so aware of others triumphs and tragedies it’s all I can do to not break. Just a few thoughts…

sometimes it’s okay to be silent
do-over’s are make believe but second chances are real
dwelling and remembering are two very different acts

I find myself wandering the internet like one of those late night trips to Target when you don’t need a thing but manage to buy a cart full as you mosey down each isle and bask in the calm. Not sure what I’m looking for but I know I’ll find at best a distraction on the world wide web. I don’t follow too many blogs unless I know the person otherwise I find myself hypercritical of the author or (gasp!) my own blogging efforts. Truth be told I’m pretty noncommittal with the blogs of perfect strangers, some have information and others just comic relief. I often wonder what’s wrong with me when I see so many followers on a given blog and wonder what I’m missing… I came across a woman’s post the other day and I’m sure this is in poor blog etiquette but I had to repost. I’ve never visited her page before so I’m not sure what all it entails but I got a good laugh out of it and the ways people attempt to be comforting but sometimes these things are better left unspoken, please excuse the language as I didn’t edit her post.


I have been thinking about the crappy things that people have said to me in the past few weeks – here is a rundown of some of the gems:
1. Everything happens for a reason. – If you can’t tell me the god damn reason that this happened, get the hell out of my face.
2. Time heals all wounds. - Neosporin heals wounds. If you don’t do something to help the wound it gets infected.
3. Be grateful for what you have. I am grateful for what I have. I am still allowed to mourn my loss. I am still being a mother to my child and a wife to my husband. I am still being a sister to my brothers and a daughter to my mother.
4. At least you didn’t lose a real baby. Yes, I can only imagine the loss of a full term child, or even a child that you spent years with is much harder. The thought of anything happening to Jace has always been my nightmare. I am not comparing battle scars. If that is the case, there are so many people who have gone through worse. This is not a contest I would want to win.
5. You can always try again. Yes, we can. Thanks for that piece of helpful advice. Not.
6. You’re not the first and you won’t be the last. No shit.
7. Just let it go. Seriously? Apparently you don’t know me as well as you think you do. Would I be the kind of person who should be a mother if losing my 4th pregnancy in a row did not make me a little sad?

This is my dance space. This is your dance space.

The other day I got Dirty Dancing for a steal of a deal. The fact that I don’t already own it is nothing short of a travesty and frankly shocking! It’s probably due to the fact that many moons ago when we had television it played at least once every weekend on TBS or TNT and I could satisfy my insatiable need for awesomely bad one hit wonders and seriously dated hair and dance moves. I’d been feeling an overwhelming desire to watch it for some time now and for whatever reason made it my mission last Friday after a terribly long clinic and ta-da scored the last copy at Target for $5.00 and had a tickle me Elmo death grip or whatever the new thing is these days on it all the way to the register. One thing people probably don’t realize is here in the mountains resources are limited and if you can’t find it here it requires a trip to Denver or a dreaded mail delivery from let’s say Amazon that may or may not make it to my P.O. Box. We’re certainly not the hill people or anything but I do get a little extra excited when I find exactly what I’m looking for right when I’m looking for it.

Let’s just say I’ve watched it more than once in the short span of time that was my weekend. A mix between my thirst for knowledge and my handy-dandy iPhone I always “research” films as I watch them and Dirty Dancing was no different. First note, they are in works for a remake which I am surprisingly alright with, until that is I decided I can’t stand who’s cast. My initial thought was “oh Zac Efron would be amazing” because I can no longer hide my love ever since the first HSM and feel a little less of a pedophile knowing he’s 23yrs old but still a bit icky. (But if I find out he’s really with Rumer Willis we’re done!) Back on track…turns out people are already talking about him in the lead so dreams can come true.

I guess the most interesting factoid was that it almost never was. Apparently Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze couldn’t stand each other and had previously worked with one another in Red Dawn. Their mutual distain was so strong that they both dropped the film and the producer forced them to watch the screen test to witness the undeniable chemistry and that’s how movie magic happens, people. Also thought provoking was the fact that Patrick Swayze was 34yrs old when it filmed. I did the math myself because I could hardly believe he was more than in his mid 20’s.

Now the funny part of this movie that enraptured my childhood was that for years I never know what in the world was going on. Granted, I was young and naïve but guess I didn’t really need explanations because it really was all about the musical numbers, right? Come to find out Penny was pregnant. Yeah a major part in the story line that I happened to miss. In the time the movie was set it was a pretty controversial issue and people didn’t discuss things like we do. I mean they never said “pregnant” it was “she’s in trouble” and abortion was “help her”. Learning or realizing the nature of the issue made it more dramatic that I’d ever given it credit for.

Oh and I’m not sure if I’m the only one that constantly experiences moments of déjà vu or just the only one who notices…this was more of my Truman Show moments, those ones where it’s so eerily on point with your life that the universe has patched together enough random events that could only be applicable for your enjoyment. No? Am I the only one? Anyway Saturday when I pull into the grocery store lot there is a guy straight up rocking out to “She’s Like the Wind” by our very own Johnny Castle! Okay, who rocks out to that? Totally had to be a first and a song most infamously known as a power ballad from the adult contemporary section, needless to say it made my day and spurned me to watch the flick again.

I’ve included a song from my favorite clip in the national treasure that is Dirty Dancing. Enjoy!

Diagnosis: identification of the nature/cause of anything

Reading. Learning. Research. This whole PCOS thing is a complete enigma; then again being female we have a tendency to posses many mysteries. Apparently I have an over-abundance of testosterone aka the boy-mome. I thought I read it wrong at first because I felt more like a woman than ever. The whole concept is overwhelming and all I can do is gather tidily-bits here and there. As with everything in life each situation is different ,as are the people than encompass it. I’m learning to take testimonials with a grain of salt and not have a meltdown when I disagree with someone’s interpretation of the condition.

Those of you whom I’m were dying to know, I started! The girls at work and I celebrated, yeah it was a pretty big deal. Of course I was indisposed for over a week and could barely walk but feel like I’m shifted out of neutral. Wouldn’t you know it too, my skin cleared up and I lost 6lbs. Odd how it’s the week we ate out almost every night, which in truth is very unlike us. It felt good to wear real pants again, though I love my leggings I was feeling a little sloppy there for a bit. Oh and my skin is amazing, clear skin is so underrated in my opinion. For whatever reason I always associated breakouts with bad hygiene, aka just plain dirty. Of course that doesn’t apply to everyone I guess I’m the case in point for that but it’s made a huge difference in my overall demeanor.

I’m meeting with my naturopath next week to get a menu board going and I’ve gotta tell you it freaks me out. I’ve said for years, “I don’t know how people do it!”. Of course there’s always my dramatic references like Shelby from Steel Magnolias, yeah I’m not diabetic but apparently it kind of mimics in the way the body processes sugar. I so sympathize with people and food restrictions, lactose intolerance, diabetics, celiac, or any allergy or aversion and dieters in general. The fact is I’ve never deprived myself from anything I wanted, back before this I ate what I wanted and frankly looked good, even if I didn’t appreciate it at the time. Obviously things could be a lot worse but I’ve got some serious adjustments to make after 28 years of caution to the wind it’s time to change it up.

I haven’t felt like me or looked like me as far as I’m concerned in a long, long time. Hopefully a combination of my motivation and information will keep me from becoming too discouraged and get me back to me, healthy me. Oh and special thanks to my wonderful friends for the resources and encouragement!

for those that wonder

So I haven’t “really” blog in a couple weeks, certainly not the end of the world but nonetheless absent from this cathartic ritual of exposing more than I ever dared or thought possible. I find myself escaping life in other avenues and pining away for adventures yet to be had. You can’t image the hours spent on travel websites last week. I also plunged full force into dress shopping for a wedding I’ll be attending in September. So many colors, materials, styles and prints… a harmless escape to my online cart that never checks-out. Surface wise this shouldn’t be a growing concern.

For whatever reason I thought about my blog and writing almost every day last week and almost childlike refused to share even a word. It’s hard to determine the exact emotion or what was manufacturing it but I know that I needed to breath out these truths no matter how embarrassing, selfish, trivial they may be, that was why I engaged in this process anyway.

It’s hard to make what I’m feeling come across as witty or endearing because I’m just a mess. Most of the things I’ve been saying and feeling lately aren’t even me. Out of simple fear that the evil comments running around my head get loose I’ve just distanced myself from everyone and everything determined to try to cope and deal.

At the risk of sounding completely melodramatic my current affliction is the fact that my last period was April 23rd, 2011. For those of you who aren’t mathematicians that’s over 100 days and a little more that 14 weeks. If someone had told me they’d experienced this I’d probably be secretly jealous, for those of you that know me my cycles are nightmarish and I can’t say that I’d mind missing one or two. Obviously flaw in this would be miraculous gift is you can’t get pregnant if you’re body isn’t working properly. The second being that I am completely and utterly miserably. I’d probably go about my business and see this blessed vacation as a gift if it weren’t for this. You know that feeling the 24hrs-12hrs before you start when you “just know”…that sense that your just about to lose control of your body for the next few days? I wake with it, work with it, sleep with it. I’m sure I don’t need to delve into the universal symptoms and extreme discomfort that go along with this prolonged process.

One thing and a big thing I’d like to liberate into the digital world is a diagnosis I got from my OBGYN a couple weeks back. It turns out that I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Frankly, I’d suggest looking it up because I’m still trying to determine in laymen’s terms what it entails. Apparently it’s fairly common, like 5%-10% of women suffer from it after my sarcastic response of “great I get to be another statistic, aren’t I lucky to be so numerically challenge”, I felt a slightly relieved. The associated symptoms are direct concerns that have come up over that last few years such as my fertility issues, weight gain and skin problems. I sincerely thought I’d been punished for perfect skin in my teenage years and to go through such physical changes without cause made me feel out of control and insane.

This turned out more like a journal entry but I need to keep the people that are special to me close and I know they want to support me so it was worth sharing. This is me and my dailies right now.