for those that wonder

So I haven’t “really” blog in a couple weeks, certainly not the end of the world but nonetheless absent from this cathartic ritual of exposing more than I ever dared or thought possible. I find myself escaping life in other avenues and pining away for adventures yet to be had. You can’t image the hours spent on travel websites last week. I also plunged full force into dress shopping for a wedding I’ll be attending in September. So many colors, materials, styles and prints… a harmless escape to my online cart that never checks-out. Surface wise this shouldn’t be a growing concern.

For whatever reason I thought about my blog and writing almost every day last week and almost childlike refused to share even a word. It’s hard to determine the exact emotion or what was manufacturing it but I know that I needed to breath out these truths no matter how embarrassing, selfish, trivial they may be, that was why I engaged in this process anyway.

It’s hard to make what I’m feeling come across as witty or endearing because I’m just a mess. Most of the things I’ve been saying and feeling lately aren’t even me. Out of simple fear that the evil comments running around my head get loose I’ve just distanced myself from everyone and everything determined to try to cope and deal.

At the risk of sounding completely melodramatic my current affliction is the fact that my last period was April 23rd, 2011. For those of you who aren’t mathematicians that’s over 100 days and a little more that 14 weeks. If someone had told me they’d experienced this I’d probably be secretly jealous, for those of you that know me my cycles are nightmarish and I can’t say that I’d mind missing one or two. Obviously flaw in this would be miraculous gift is you can’t get pregnant if you’re body isn’t working properly. The second being that I am completely and utterly miserably. I’d probably go about my business and see this blessed vacation as a gift if it weren’t for this. You know that feeling the 24hrs-12hrs before you start when you “just know”…that sense that your just about to lose control of your body for the next few days? I wake with it, work with it, sleep with it. I’m sure I don’t need to delve into the universal symptoms and extreme discomfort that go along with this prolonged process.

One thing and a big thing I’d like to liberate into the digital world is a diagnosis I got from my OBGYN a couple weeks back. It turns out that I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Frankly, I’d suggest looking it up because I’m still trying to determine in laymen’s terms what it entails. Apparently it’s fairly common, like 5%-10% of women suffer from it after my sarcastic response of “great I get to be another statistic, aren’t I lucky to be so numerically challenge”, I felt a slightly relieved. The associated symptoms are direct concerns that have come up over that last few years such as my fertility issues, weight gain and skin problems. I sincerely thought I’d been punished for perfect skin in my teenage years and to go through such physical changes without cause made me feel out of control and insane.

This turned out more like a journal entry but I need to keep the people that are special to me close and I know they want to support me so it was worth sharing. This is me and my dailies right now.