...13 days and counting...

During communion at church today my friend sang that Kari Jobe song

“The More I Seek You” and I broke down into a thousand pieces.

Worship has always moved me...

It all culminated into this extended moment in time.

I cried the whole 30 minute drive to Silverthorne.

I was driving to Target to return my baby books.

After I parked I just sat in my car. I couldn’t do it.

I physically couldn’t walk them inside the store.

I can’t stand to look at them...

But I couldn’t bear the thought of cashing them in.

This outporting of emotions led to a string of words...

___________________________________________________________

we never got to see your face
you never received a name
as detached as this sounds
we’ll never be the same
slipping in and out of consciousness
my body has betrayed me
a gift was given and then was taken
a baby 6 weeks and 2 days
moving on doesn’t seem quite right
living however i’ve managed to lose sight
i still laugh, try to cope and cry
often these actions feel forced like lies
i’ve been promised peace
granted by faith in my father
your will is the path for my life
even if i’m meant to be the example
fighting these emotions i no longer even bother
figuring this out and trying to get a handle
i refuse to beat myself up
begging to know what went wrong
i can’t question why
i know that you love me
that i refuse to deny

___________________________________________________________

:enough is enough:

"Walk By Faith"
By: Jeremy Camp

Would I believe You when You would say

Your hand will guide my every way

Will I receive the words You say

Every moment of every day

Well I will walk by faith

Even when I cannot see

Well because this broken road

Prepares Your will for me

Help me to win my endless fears

You've been so faithful for all my years

With one breath You make me new

Your grace covers all I do

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face

Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace

Well hallelujah, hallelu

(I will walk by faith)

Well hallelujah, hallelu

(I will walk by faith)

I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith

I will, I will, I will walk by faith

...Philippians 4:7...

A million thoughts and not a solitary word to express them… I’m not capable of focusing on a single strain because they're all somehow linked together. For now I find it easier to convey others sentiments while I pray for PEACE. In my mind, in my body, in my heart, in my life, in my faith…

Where there is FAITH, there is LOVE;
Where there is LOVE, there is PEACE;
Where there is PEACE; there is GOD;
Where there is GOD; there is BLISS.

I wish I know who said this so I could give them the credit, for now it’s my prayer of peace.

: waiting : serving : worshiping :

I feel like I’ve been walking for days…Somewhat out of breath and slightly sore. No particular direction or purpose, just walking in place. I feel like I need this movement, not necessarily a physical one but an intention for action.

It’s a force of habit really; I’m moving with the intention of setting a pace then He can carry me in the right direction. It’s been our relationship as long as I can remember and it humbles me.

I remember at times taking action because my patience failed me and thinking well, “He’ll find me and be pleased that I made this choice”. A choice to follow Him, of course my rational and practicality played its role but ultimately "I’ve chosen His will", I assure myself. No sooner to find that he was reminding me “Be still and know that I am God…”

Be still? It’s hard to understand. I feel almost guilty waiting or even forgotten at times and I do a lot of waiting…and listening. I’m not gifted with such audible words from Him like my husband is. I find truth and beauty in other sources and I’ve tried to cultivate that form of communication but again I am reminded as always to be still.

Some people are called to move, to run, to seek but He watches me and thru these contemplations we are brought closer. Though it’s hard to see now, I know it will become as clear and evident as if He spoke the words aloud. So now I wait…but not alone.