growing up or grown up

I get so afraid sometimes
our life's never gonna start.

No, baby.

We're already in our life.

It's already started. This is it.

You have to stop waiting, baby.

-from P.S. I Love You

As of late I keep having these momentarily lapses of reality. Have you experienced a complete and total conundrum? I never understood the concept of women lying about their age. Not that I’m starting to lie about my age because that would be ridiculous, at least at present. What I mean to say is I think I get it. I feel old and I also feel young, sometimes within the same instance. I found myself looking at anti-ageing creams at the store and felt embarrassed, not because I felt I needed them but more because I’m not allowed to purchase them yet. Really though, it’s not just the associated physical flaws that unearth themselves as our male counterparts manage with much more grace but the pressure I sense in relation to time.

Hope I’m not stepping on any toes because I’m only in my late twenties, ugh I hate saying that by the way, but this is what’s currently consuming me so watch your feet! I have so many goals that have yet to be achieved; so many dreams unfulfilled it’s almost heartbreaking to think about wasted time. Almost in this very instant I am reassured that there’s still time? Is there? Of course but I’m still not at a point to pursue these experiences. What if by the time I finally am it will have really been too late? Today I found myself Goggling searching “late bloomers” and it was surprisingly comforting to see talented people coming into their own when they were older than I am now.

The quiet adventurer in me could just as well walk away from everything today, without a plan and experience the world but the real me, the everyday me, realizes the flaws in these fantasies. What if what I want isn’t possible? Most of the idealist dreams I have contradict one another and both cannot exist within the same life or even lifetime.

I've been like this for awhile, actually it started quite young. Do you remember the Choose Your Own Adventure book series? I so badly wanted to enjoy them like my friends and classmates did but it wasn’t possible. I feared I might make the wrong choice and miss out. I’d read both chapters to determine what my options really were. Looking back it was kind of cheating, cheating myself out of the fun. I wound up reading them again and again to make sure I’d experience every possible outcome. I didn’t want to miss out. I don’t want to miss out.