cornbread mama

I’ve never done well with death. Well, who really does? The fact is that I’m not entirely familiar with it. I’m one of the lucky one that still have my grandparents, in fact my great-grandmother only passed a few years ago. I’m so fortunate but it has left me ill-equipped. Yesterday I found out an old friend died and have naturally been unsettled ever since.

I used to mentor her. As a youth leader we were encouraged to counsel the teenagers and have regular devotionals. Not being much older or even wiser made it seem amusing but the more involved I got I realized how much I’d experienced myself and maybe, just maybe, I could be an encouragement or even a poster child of what mistakes to avoid. I had a large group, a loveable bunch of misfits, predominantly emotionally scarred girls. Let’s face it most of girls weren’t able to leave our teenage years unscathed. It was a tough time; these beautiful, creative, intelligent, funny, witty girls were stuck in painful adolescence and I was helpless. Really, I was there to be a cushion of sorts, these tragic things were going to happen and it was inevitable that they’d be hurt but hopefully if they needed someone, I could be that someone.

It’s amazing how sheltered I was while they were exposed to eating disorders, self mutilations, sexual violence, etc…life was being put into perspective. Oh the stories I could tell you…I’m certain I have an entertaining as well as heartbreaking story about each one of “my girls”. Then there was Panda, such a character. She had a knack for always making me laugh. I never really understood why she wanted to be part of the “group”, she seemed so adjusted. Despite any setback she exuded confidence and was ALWAYS pleasant to be around (I wish the same could be said for myself) never the less we bonded.

When I found out she’d passed I was overcome with grief. In all truth she’s one of those people that I’d search for online but couldn’t find a mutual friend and her name was so common it’d need to sift thru 800 others. I fell a lot of regret…I knew there was no possibility of sleep but I laid in bed thinking about her. After a few hours I gave up and decided to look at old photographs. I found what I was looking for, pictures of her. I cried after the first few then I found one from my wedding, the last time I saw her. Then I burst out laughing, in true Panda style she was sitting indoors at a reception table with her shades on. That’s my girl, trying to be street and she knew I’d appreciate it. From then on it was mostly laughter with a few tears mixed in. I’m so lucky that my memories of her are filled with joy and we shared moments that I’m reminded of after all these years. For that I am grateful.

I wish that I’d had an opportunity to see her again before her death. I’d probably get a big Panda Bear hug with no I Love You’s needed and in my loudest fake ghetto voice shout “CORNBREAD” our favorite word.