Okay, side note before I start…I just thought to myself “Whoa, Rach…Two for two? Back to back blogs? Better slow down before you get burnt out.” Then without hesitation the song Mustang Sally popped into my head…even more surprising is I know the words!
Let me let you in on a little secret, not something I’m prone to doing, I know. I think, I might, possibly, maybe, perhaps, someday want to be a mommy. And wow, seriously, I’m kinda freakin’ out now that that is out. This isn’t something I’ve ever seriously desired…I don’t know, I practically raised my brother and sister and my mom wasn’t the motherly type anyway so I guess my view has always been somewhat skewed.
This subject is something I desperately try to avoid in conversation even with my closest of close friends because it makes me so vulnerable and the answers aren’t simple. I despise, no not despise but I feel so exposed when every topic leads to the dreaded “you must be pregnant” that seems to follow every: I’m tired, I’m hungry, and I’m late… I am fully aware no one means harm in these statements but it’s hard enough without the constant quips. It’s not exactly like we’re trying so there isn’t any reason to be discouraged but as some of you know I suffered a miscarriage and for all the falsehoods I’ve told about my “condition” I believe I’m finally on the mend. So many people have suffered multiple losses and continue to forge on but I am weak, weaker than I’d like to admit. I don’t want to ever experience that level of physical and emotional pain again but it’s a risk that’s necessary. For all you followers, if there are anyway, no need to get wound up yet because this concept is still fresh and it’ll be some time before anything evolves.
The other night I was babysitting for a close friend and it was time to put Owen to bed. Owen is ten months old and was born a month after my due date I guess that’s why I feel a certain bond with him, a what-life-would-be-like connection which always makes me emotional but I’ve never confessed until now. Those moments with him, right before he went to sleep, were magical, merely feeding him his bottle and feeling the weight of him as he relaxed and feel asleep. I pretty much broke down, but in a good way, the best way. The night with the kids as a whole was chaotic but essentially purposeful and I took pleasure in the frenzy.
Now, I’m not ready to move on down to mommy-town but it is a future destination and that in itself is worth a celebration. Well there’s Somebody not entirely surprised by this and reminds me…Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart's desires…Psalm 37:4
Let me let you in on a little secret, not something I’m prone to doing, I know. I think, I might, possibly, maybe, perhaps, someday want to be a mommy. And wow, seriously, I’m kinda freakin’ out now that that is out. This isn’t something I’ve ever seriously desired…I don’t know, I practically raised my brother and sister and my mom wasn’t the motherly type anyway so I guess my view has always been somewhat skewed.
This subject is something I desperately try to avoid in conversation even with my closest of close friends because it makes me so vulnerable and the answers aren’t simple. I despise, no not despise but I feel so exposed when every topic leads to the dreaded “you must be pregnant” that seems to follow every: I’m tired, I’m hungry, and I’m late… I am fully aware no one means harm in these statements but it’s hard enough without the constant quips. It’s not exactly like we’re trying so there isn’t any reason to be discouraged but as some of you know I suffered a miscarriage and for all the falsehoods I’ve told about my “condition” I believe I’m finally on the mend. So many people have suffered multiple losses and continue to forge on but I am weak, weaker than I’d like to admit. I don’t want to ever experience that level of physical and emotional pain again but it’s a risk that’s necessary. For all you followers, if there are anyway, no need to get wound up yet because this concept is still fresh and it’ll be some time before anything evolves.
The other night I was babysitting for a close friend and it was time to put Owen to bed. Owen is ten months old and was born a month after my due date I guess that’s why I feel a certain bond with him, a what-life-would-be-like connection which always makes me emotional but I’ve never confessed until now. Those moments with him, right before he went to sleep, were magical, merely feeding him his bottle and feeling the weight of him as he relaxed and feel asleep. I pretty much broke down, but in a good way, the best way. The night with the kids as a whole was chaotic but essentially purposeful and I took pleasure in the frenzy.
Now, I’m not ready to move on down to mommy-town but it is a future destination and that in itself is worth a celebration. Well there’s Somebody not entirely surprised by this and reminds me…Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart's desires…Psalm 37:4
The moment I started reading this post, before I even got to any topic of it, I had a lump in my throat . By the last line, the tears were rolling down my cheeks. The admission of even that desire, is so amazing. Its scary to want or desire something that is so unknown, that makes you vulnerable, and so far out of your hands. Its hard to open yourself up to something that could end in heartache. But that is life and that is growth... and that is love. When I went back to work, I felt so depressed and my heart was literally aching being away from Jake. I told Ryan one night that maybe I shouldn't of had a baby yet b/c the pain I felt was so great I could hardly bear it. I felt selfish for saying it, but I realized that if I didn't have children that life WOULD be easier, it WOULD be less heartache in the long run, it WOULD allow me to take care of me. Then the moment I did his middle of the night feeding and curled into me, and grabbed my finger in his sleep, and I listened to his breath and heaviness, that all he needed was me right then... that moment, I remembered all of it is worth it. The LOVE I feel makes up for any hurt, stress, or sacrifice. The LOVE, oh the LOVE. I will pray for you... and that truly God's will be done in your life... and that if that is a desire of your heart, then He will make you a mommy in some way or form... in His timing.
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