because. because. because.

I’m back and have not been away for lack of things to share. I was more in a place of not sure how to share my thoughts, the real ones at least. I wish I could recycle this mood and tap into it on days when a little extra motivation is needed. I’m overcome with a desire “to do, “to complete” and it feels good but something’s unnatural about this high because my emotions of late have robbed any sense of priority of getting thru my day to day. Along with my kung fu fast hands my brain seems to be processing things rapidly as well. Mixed in with all of it is a defining question, why is it so hard to share the good?

This is something I’m not alone in and of that I am certain. Sure, it’s hard for me to share the bad but then again sharing has never been my strong point. Why do I have a tiny sense of guilt with my successes? I’ve actually managed to lose 5lbs and gotta tell you I’m pretty stoked but why do I hesitate in telling people? I’m doing well at my job and absolutely love it but I hardly mention it to others. Why is this? I have my very own cheerleading section that would be ecstatic to know these things and would highly doubt any attack on my joy, so why not?

I’ve had my word vomit under control a long time ago, though for the few moments I’m with the dearest of friends and need to detox so the deepest darkest confessions I’m about to mention rarely see the light of day. The truth is maybe it’s because I struggle in being in others people’s joy. I certainly know how to cry in their sorrows but the other isn’t something I’m good at and I’m ashamed. There is real, sincere happiness when someone experiences a blessing but later when I’m alone there’s a quiet hurt. I never want to take away the wonderful from others so why it is these wounds continue to bleed?

The other day when I was feeling especially unpleasant I found out someone I think is exceptional, whom I naively imagine hardly ever deals with disappointments, had experienced something unthinkable. I was heartbroken. Like I said I know how to empathize all too well. I had one of the obvious realizations that have to actually occur before it clicks. But we’re all the same, triumphs and struggles, spoken or unspoken, noticed or not they are there. It’s not exactly comforting but they’ll always be a yin and a yang that balances each of us and that might be worth remembering next time I avoid disclosure or dwell on shortcomings.