-let love explode-

I read this a lot, I’ve been meaning/trying to blog etc…and really I feel the same. It’s been on my mind and I’ve actually logged in almost daily but have yet to put something together. These last few weeks my life has been overtaken by well, life. Work, sickness, disorganization, unexpected circumstances do what they do and it creates a disruption and sometimes, in my case, it creates a cloud of uncertainty. I’m all for introspection, its kinda my M.O. but sometimes I get caught in the current and it’s all consuming. The only focus is “Me, Myself, and I”. In those times I want to write, almost like a release but I’m afraid it’ll be too much. Too selfish. Too depressing. Too revealing. I feel guilty just thinking about it, but it happens and sometimes I allow it to, while other s I didn’t even notice it set in until I was far gone in its midst. Today I woke of feeling “lighter”. For those of you that have ever had days with things out of focus there really are no words when it finds you again.

What’s really incredible is that I can manage to overlook my incredible circumstances time and time again. You know what? I woke up this morning. I was able to get out of bed and ready unassisted. I had food options for nourishment and preference this morning, of course preference won. I went outside and got into my reliable, comfortable car and drove to a job that frankly I’m pretty good at, happen to enjoy and it even pays the bills. Now all the other stuff that was obscuring my perspective has faded into the fog and good riddance.

This song has been on my heart and I happened to hear it while driving this morning (see playlist below) and it brought on so much intense emotion. The kind of feeling you get deep within without effort or permission. Music is my thing. I love so many aspects about it especially the connection it brings. To all of you dealing with the human condition today, I pray you get that glimpse of light and a moment to catch your breath and recklessly love.

procrastination AKA a case of the Mondays

So I just tried to write a serious, uber personal blog post and let’s just say I bombed that one. It’s hard to talk about something that affects almost everyone but in different capacities. I felt overly explanatory, apologetic, and defensive and a rash of other things that just put me off. I’m going to make a second attempt later this week because for me it’s important. Now I’m just shifting gears to what making me smile right now.

This shaggy bob that is oh-so-tempting-but-not-for-me-right-now.
Oh and by the way I really, really love all things Dianna Arrogon.

I love a good book, especially when I find myself re-reading an old favorite, Moloka'i.
Last night I was contemplating writing Rob Marshall to direct the movie version a la Memoirs of a Geisha.

My Vintage Haven sweatshirt. I’ve been living in this thing. It is like the softest, coziest thing ever and may just land me in an episode of What Not To Wear.

OPI’s Funny Bunny, which just so happens to look tres chic on my stubby, sq-oval nails.

Hello Wal-Mart candles and where have you been all my life? I too was caught in the Bath and Bodyworks hub-bub but for real that’s a lot to spend on a candle. Plus I use them almost every day and they go quick. Insert these lovelies, they smell so edible and have all my favorite scents and the best part is they are about $3. Say what? True story. Below Hazelnut Cream…mmmmyum.

when you let them go

As I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, I have some pretty incredible friends. No amount of time or distance will shake the love and support we have for one another. Sure I got lucky but I also earned these relationships through understanding, vulnerability, accountability and sincerity. Now for a topic not really address, the frenemy. Basically it’s an enemy disguised as a friend.

I don’t think I could go as far to say we’ve all experienced them but for myself I’ve had two. I’m almost embarrassed to say it in a way, I mean I’m only in my late twenties and I’ve already managed to be duped twice. Does it say something about me personally? Here I was thinking I’ve got discernment in surrounding myself with genuine people, uh, maybe not so much.

The first one was brought on my pure naivety, and a bit of insecurity. I had what was meant to be a mentor/friendship to instruct me on how to be the person I want to be. Unfortunately, it derailed quit early and turned out to be more of a dictatorship on who she wanted me to be. I started to grow as an individual and find my own course in happiness but as it turns out in this relationship it wasn’t allowed. It should have been more obvious because I’d seen the resentment in her from other friends living their lives independently just like I was attempting too. I blame myself for letting it go on as long as it did. In the end I realized I had to walk away and there was no looking back. It hurt. I worried what it would mean. What would people think? What would they say? In the end, I lost a few other relationships because of it but the truth is why would I want someone so unsupportive to be a part of anything that has meaning in my life?

Ah, the second one. The operative word is desperation. I had just moved out of state and was actively searching for a connection. I’m sure she could smell me from a mile away. It was a new role for me, being co-dependent. I’d found a friend that was so simpatico with all the things I appreciate, clothes, films, music, food etc… Looking back it’s too bad this didn’t work because she “got it”. However what she didn’t get was what it meant to be a good friend. I was giving and she was getting. There was never reciprocity, her problems were discussed and advised but then there wasn’t any time left for me. She’d bailed, borrowed, lied and now I have nothing left to show for that time other than some missing CD’s.

The thing is that I know what I want, I know what I need. The friends I have I plan to keep. The more I invest and cultivate those relations the more fruit they will bear. I need them and I’d like to think they need me. If I meet people along the way then that will be a bonus, but I’m not worried because the people I already have are the ones others only wished they could have.

The difference a day makes…

Excuse me; is there still room to jump on the New Year train? Last year…well it wasn’t what I expected and it’s easy to dismiss but when I really capture those past experiences I think it was a success. Even in all the messes I still see bits of beautiful. I’m learning how to step away from those moments to find clarity for opportunities that aren’t visible in the haze. I’m happy. Did everything I planned work out? No. But that’s okay. New mornings. New mercies. New years.

Something I notice was how materialist I get towards the end of the year. Needing something to show for my time and efforts spent, seeing everyone else’s blessing and having a want overshadow real needs. And then without attempt the flash of a new year has created a minimalist out of me. Unload, declutter, become fresh and clean…it’s foremost in my mind.

Resolutions and goals have been set but only with my understanding that it really is a process of one day at a time. I will no longer let another year escape me by focusing too far in the future. Little, unobvious, unappreciated instances and pleasures have won my attention and I’m learning to celebrate regularly.

2011 meant…
easing just a little more comfortably into who I am; without apologies
discovering truths and receiving closures I’d given up on
family is something I never knew I always wanted
less leggings and more jeans help me manage my weight
confidence is contagious
mornings are my favorite part of the day
action really is required for change
the cold side of the pillow is delightful
treating myself sometimes is necessary and doesn’t require guilt

yellow diamonds in the light

As the Shepherd says, “Love is beautiful, but it is also terrible–terrible in its determination to allow nothing unblemished or unworthy to remain in the beloved” (179).

Sometimes without even knowing it sadness creeps in. It’s such a cozy blanket, almost comforting but the truth is that it’s debilitating. Once it’s wrapped around it becomes an extension of everything you are. Often it’s hard to realize how low you are feeling until a little spark of joy comes along. That moment of pure bliss is able to illuminate how overshadowed everything else has overtaken by unhappiness. I kind of grew up on C.S. Lewis, where would I be without him and his ability to state such obvious truths about life and remind me that I’ll have these moments from time to time. Though it’s tough to choose one of my favorite quotations of his is, “God loves us too much to leave us as we are.”

One my favorite books is Hind’s Feet on High Places, allow me to squeeze a shout out to my LCHS girls! I find myself going back to this book a lot and I decided to re-read it yet again. Honestly, I’m considering devoting a month of blogging to it because it’s just that powerful. I won’t get too into a synopsis now but the main character is Much Afraid who is on a journey to the High Places by The Shepherd and the companions he gives her are Suffering and Sorrow. Right now this speaks to me, I know that seems a bit much but what am I if not melodramatic?

Not to worry there’s still joy…there’s always joy. From the smallest and often over looked gestures to the gratefulness of my very existence. Here are a few things lately that bring an unforced smile and brighten my days.

peppermint tea, my Clarisonic, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers,

new festive pajama pants, We Found Love by Rihanna, tan towels,

glittery polishes and most of all unyielding hope