here and now

There other day I sidestepped over the “highs and lows” and the truth is the highs have been HIGH and the lows have been LOW. Does that make sense? The shift is so apparent I feel like I need time acclimatize…physically and mentally. This weekend has proven it even more so. I woke up practically giddy on Saturday. I found that fairy tale balance of productive and relaxing. It was 9:30 and my to do list was wiped out and I was high on life at this point. I decided to reward myself with a Target run. Uh.ma.gersh. I love Target. I spent forever in the $1 section up front and took my time wandering the store like a true shopaholic. I managed to get so many holiday goodies and not go over budget; the smile was glued to my face. I went home, got comfy, lit candles, baked like a mad woman and just focused on me and it was the best day I’ve had in a really long time. Crazy how a weather shift, clearance items, and an organized day can do that to a person.

Then today struck. I had one of those mornings of utter frustration. Why wasn’t anything working out? I announced that I would not be broken and made my way to work to try and get a few projects completed. Then my husband stopped by the office…it was weird because he should be at working and I only come in on Mondays sporadically. He told me that he needs to go back to St. Louis for the next 3-4 weeks to work and needs to leave this weekend. So then I’ll be here in Colorado for almost a month alone. The truth: It’s doable but tough.

Random thoughts about this… Why? It’s not fair? I don’t want to be alone. I would love to go to St. Louis. So incredibly thankful he has an opportunity to go. It’s too long. Everything will be fine. and just for fun throw “why” in there a few dozen times.

Not a great post but that’s my heart right now and I would love it if you keep my in your thoughts while I’m trying to get my head around things. 

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I’d love to be back “in” the blogging world but Blogger and I are having some issues, creative differences maybe? I’ve had such a desire to write and digress but the fact that I can only use half the editing tools and my last post only partially posted and was riddled with errors has kept me at bay. I’m currently thinking I should just start a new blog and consider it problem solved.

So, I’m here. Life has been as is…good days, bad days; highs and lows. Sometimes I’m strong and focused others I’m defeated and overwhelmed. Hoping to get the technical kinks worked out and get back in it.

Not sure what to say really, I feel like I have a lot to say but not of it seems terribly important and “worthy” of an individual post. I’ve been feeling intensely inspired by things lately, where I’m frantically scanning the room for my phone to type or even record my thoughts. There’s so much rising up and spilling over the top and I wish I had some crazy Matrix-style-USB-cord attached to me that I could just hurry over and hook up to my computer to release everything while not losing a single thought or feeling. Since that hasn’t been invented yet or the government is just keeping it under wraps for now here we go. (Oh and if it hasn’t been invented yet, dibs!) Warning…this will be choppy, probably bullet points because that seems to reflect my current state.


• I went to Einstein’s Bagels for lunch childishly elated that’d they finally opened and literally spent 15minutes staring at the menu contemplating all the stupendous concoctions I could create only to get a Pumpernickel bagel with Plain cream cheese. Foolishness.

• I met the “mom of my dreams” yesterday. This woman is what I would love to be one day, naturally beautiful and unusually compassionate. She herded in 2 small girls and another beauty on her hip to wait in the office during her husband’s surgery and was immediately in awe of her grace and natural maternal flow.

• The oldest daughter of the aforementioned super moms was June she was 4yrs old going on 80 and she stole my heart. While mom was in the bathroom with Jolie and Gwendolyn, June hung out in the waiting area and proceeded to tell me everything her little head had absorbed. At one point she let out a sneeze and upon my God bless you she said just like the old soul she was, “Oh thank you, I’ve been under the weather and haven’t’ felt like myself for four days.

• By request (Meg and Ash): Books I’m reading or just finished…

1. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak…Slow start but I loved the way it was written. I’m a sucker for different perspectives of actually events and it painted a vivid picture.

2. Bossy Pants by Tina Fey…Why did it take me so long to get around to it? People have said it and I disregarded the claims but have since converted and I.am.a.believer. Tina Fey you my lady are a freakin’ genius.

3. Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James…Sorry, I can’t say anymore because I blush just referencing it.

4. House Rules by Jodie Picoult…What can I say, this woman knows how to write. She’s yet to let me down and even though I never find the relevance in my personal life I love curling up with one of her stories.

5. Let’s Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson aka The Bloggess… This woman kills me but in the best possible way. Then minute I feel cynical or psychotic she takes it to the next level. Because when I say things like this I get crossed eyed stares and references to my medications. Almost like a female Larry David.

6. Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro…Brilliance and originality very hard to come by, the book broke my heart loved every page.

7. Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher… This book is not for everyone. Provocative and haunting, it’s a quick read but research before you jump in and it makes you deal with dark subject matter.

8. Divergent by Veronica Roth… Honestly I only read ac chapter as I plan on finishing Bloom this weekend but it seems right up “our” alley and I think it’ll be a very good series.

-let love explode-

I read this a lot, I’ve been meaning/trying to blog etc…and really I feel the same. It’s been on my mind and I’ve actually logged in almost daily but have yet to put something together. These last few weeks my life has been overtaken by well, life. Work, sickness, disorganization, unexpected circumstances do what they do and it creates a disruption and sometimes, in my case, it creates a cloud of uncertainty. I’m all for introspection, its kinda my M.O. but sometimes I get caught in the current and it’s all consuming. The only focus is “Me, Myself, and I”. In those times I want to write, almost like a release but I’m afraid it’ll be too much. Too selfish. Too depressing. Too revealing. I feel guilty just thinking about it, but it happens and sometimes I allow it to, while other s I didn’t even notice it set in until I was far gone in its midst. Today I woke of feeling “lighter”. For those of you that have ever had days with things out of focus there really are no words when it finds you again.

What’s really incredible is that I can manage to overlook my incredible circumstances time and time again. You know what? I woke up this morning. I was able to get out of bed and ready unassisted. I had food options for nourishment and preference this morning, of course preference won. I went outside and got into my reliable, comfortable car and drove to a job that frankly I’m pretty good at, happen to enjoy and it even pays the bills. Now all the other stuff that was obscuring my perspective has faded into the fog and good riddance.

This song has been on my heart and I happened to hear it while driving this morning (see playlist below) and it brought on so much intense emotion. The kind of feeling you get deep within without effort or permission. Music is my thing. I love so many aspects about it especially the connection it brings. To all of you dealing with the human condition today, I pray you get that glimpse of light and a moment to catch your breath and recklessly love.

procrastination AKA a case of the Mondays

So I just tried to write a serious, uber personal blog post and let’s just say I bombed that one. It’s hard to talk about something that affects almost everyone but in different capacities. I felt overly explanatory, apologetic, and defensive and a rash of other things that just put me off. I’m going to make a second attempt later this week because for me it’s important. Now I’m just shifting gears to what making me smile right now.

This shaggy bob that is oh-so-tempting-but-not-for-me-right-now.
Oh and by the way I really, really love all things Dianna Arrogon.

I love a good book, especially when I find myself re-reading an old favorite, Moloka'i.
Last night I was contemplating writing Rob Marshall to direct the movie version a la Memoirs of a Geisha.

My Vintage Haven sweatshirt. I’ve been living in this thing. It is like the softest, coziest thing ever and may just land me in an episode of What Not To Wear.

OPI’s Funny Bunny, which just so happens to look tres chic on my stubby, sq-oval nails.

Hello Wal-Mart candles and where have you been all my life? I too was caught in the Bath and Bodyworks hub-bub but for real that’s a lot to spend on a candle. Plus I use them almost every day and they go quick. Insert these lovelies, they smell so edible and have all my favorite scents and the best part is they are about $3. Say what? True story. Below Hazelnut Cream…mmmmyum.

when you let them go

As I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, I have some pretty incredible friends. No amount of time or distance will shake the love and support we have for one another. Sure I got lucky but I also earned these relationships through understanding, vulnerability, accountability and sincerity. Now for a topic not really address, the frenemy. Basically it’s an enemy disguised as a friend.

I don’t think I could go as far to say we’ve all experienced them but for myself I’ve had two. I’m almost embarrassed to say it in a way, I mean I’m only in my late twenties and I’ve already managed to be duped twice. Does it say something about me personally? Here I was thinking I’ve got discernment in surrounding myself with genuine people, uh, maybe not so much.

The first one was brought on my pure naivety, and a bit of insecurity. I had what was meant to be a mentor/friendship to instruct me on how to be the person I want to be. Unfortunately, it derailed quit early and turned out to be more of a dictatorship on who she wanted me to be. I started to grow as an individual and find my own course in happiness but as it turns out in this relationship it wasn’t allowed. It should have been more obvious because I’d seen the resentment in her from other friends living their lives independently just like I was attempting too. I blame myself for letting it go on as long as it did. In the end I realized I had to walk away and there was no looking back. It hurt. I worried what it would mean. What would people think? What would they say? In the end, I lost a few other relationships because of it but the truth is why would I want someone so unsupportive to be a part of anything that has meaning in my life?

Ah, the second one. The operative word is desperation. I had just moved out of state and was actively searching for a connection. I’m sure she could smell me from a mile away. It was a new role for me, being co-dependent. I’d found a friend that was so simpatico with all the things I appreciate, clothes, films, music, food etc… Looking back it’s too bad this didn’t work because she “got it”. However what she didn’t get was what it meant to be a good friend. I was giving and she was getting. There was never reciprocity, her problems were discussed and advised but then there wasn’t any time left for me. She’d bailed, borrowed, lied and now I have nothing left to show for that time other than some missing CD’s.

The thing is that I know what I want, I know what I need. The friends I have I plan to keep. The more I invest and cultivate those relations the more fruit they will bear. I need them and I’d like to think they need me. If I meet people along the way then that will be a bonus, but I’m not worried because the people I already have are the ones others only wished they could have.

The difference a day makes…

Excuse me; is there still room to jump on the New Year train? Last year…well it wasn’t what I expected and it’s easy to dismiss but when I really capture those past experiences I think it was a success. Even in all the messes I still see bits of beautiful. I’m learning how to step away from those moments to find clarity for opportunities that aren’t visible in the haze. I’m happy. Did everything I planned work out? No. But that’s okay. New mornings. New mercies. New years.

Something I notice was how materialist I get towards the end of the year. Needing something to show for my time and efforts spent, seeing everyone else’s blessing and having a want overshadow real needs. And then without attempt the flash of a new year has created a minimalist out of me. Unload, declutter, become fresh and clean…it’s foremost in my mind.

Resolutions and goals have been set but only with my understanding that it really is a process of one day at a time. I will no longer let another year escape me by focusing too far in the future. Little, unobvious, unappreciated instances and pleasures have won my attention and I’m learning to celebrate regularly.

2011 meant…
easing just a little more comfortably into who I am; without apologies
discovering truths and receiving closures I’d given up on
family is something I never knew I always wanted
less leggings and more jeans help me manage my weight
confidence is contagious
mornings are my favorite part of the day
action really is required for change
the cold side of the pillow is delightful
treating myself sometimes is necessary and doesn’t require guilt